• Nathira Salim

Trip to no man's land

I have everything I ever wanted in my life right now. But - and there is always a 'but', I am always feeling lost. 'Lost" may not be the exact word to describe what I am feeling - but I feel as if I found myself in a no man's land. No tree, water, natural habitat of any kind anywhere - just dry barren land all around me. You can imagine a cloudless not so blue sky and searing hot wind when I walk. I go through life in that motion for a while, without motivation to do anything right for myself. Sometimes I lie down there on that land unable to move.

Lets give an example. Due to the nature of my disease - there are certain food I have to avoid such as sugar and carbs. But when I find myself in the no man land, I hardly care. I eat whatever I like. I get depressed. I get melancholy about everything. I go to bed for a while, watch something on my phone and then I snap right back into my normal self. I wonder why I spent the last 2 hours watching K drama about middle aged lovers and eating 3 packets of ikan bilis sambal (anchovies in red sauce) Maggie instant noodles all by myself. I can still feel that instant noodles in my protruding tummy now.

I come to my work table after breakfast every single day to do something either routine or new to keep my mind from wandering off or give myself away to depression. To ensure I am motivated to work when I am unemployed, I keep my work table neat and free - with only items that would help to bring out the creative juice in me to work on my blog or design my bujo. I have trackers and journals to track my habits. Yet I lack the motivation to track. Getting motivated to do something is hard.

Don't get me wrong. I am not suicidal or depressed yet. I have gone through this windows of ok -not ok phase and windows many times in my life. But I have yet to make that mental click - to stay in one place and move on, and blossom. I hope I get that click soon enough.

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