Welcome to my blog.
Sometimes I wonder how did I get cancer. I don't usually think about how I get flu or cough because I would it was a result of doing something I shouldn't have done like drinking cold water on a super hot sunny day, or drinking water straight out from the fridge when I am not supposed to. But cancer?
Well I am not sure why it comes?
I have read a lot of books about cancer and they say there are a lot of reasons and they are sometimes not straightforward as well. The breastcancer.org website sites two different type of risk categories. One is called the 'Established Risks' and the other ' Emerging Risks'. Out of 17 established risks, I tick 7 of them. And one of the main important points that I think directly has a neon flashing sign pointed to me is the Weight as well as Menstrual history.
The menstrual history is tied closely with the weight. If the weight is higher than a certain BMI, and if the weight is located around the waist, the hormones oestrogen comes into play. If you have more weight on the waist, it brings in more oestrogen and more oestrogen makes oestrogen receptive breast cancer to develop and grow. And what's more scary, high chance of recurrence happens if the weight is not lost after the initial treatment.
And nowadays girls are getting their periods earlier than the age of 12. Having longer periods in their life also causes cancer. To keep the risk low the site also advises to lose weight.
So when it comes to me, I think my weight contributed to where I am right now. But there are so many many women who are larger than me and I don't see all of them having cancer. So what the hell did I do wrong? It's not a 'Why me?' question. It's a 'Where did I go wrong?' question.
Maybe instead of thinking that I will live long still being in this shape and size would have contributed.
The thought that nothing untoward will happen to me because cancer happens to other people and not me contributed.
The oh I eat lots of vegetables such as broccoli and whole veggies in my meal every day so there is no way I am getting cancer mindset would have been the reason.
Or the I have no other diseases, no diabetes or high blood pressure so I am immune to cancer thought would have been the reason.
Or maybe the lack of exercise that contributed to the obese and ugly position I am would be the reason why I have to go through chemo and suffer.
So all the reasons point to me and me only.
If I am the one who contributed to this shit, then I should know how to bring myself out of it. It may seem that the answer to this is easy, Eat healthy, exercise well and practice mindfulness in everything. Thats the answer. Fucking three things to do and I can't even do them well.
Common sense tells me that I should stop beating myself up mentally and start looking forward to do something about it. Like make a plan once the chemo is over, draw up a health plan, a comprehensive diet plan and exercise plan to make it all work. Start small, with baby steps and then moving on forward. I know that. But the daily grind of it - goodness the fatigue is still stopping me in my tracks. How do I explain this? I can't move on. Even something as easy as penciling an idea in my journal - I find it too much work. This is reality,