• Nathira Salim

Pity Party Night

Welcome back to my blog where I post everything from the discovery to recovery of my cancer..or something along that line.

By this time you get the mail alert to this post, its past New Year and its year 2021. So Happy New Year to all. I wish everyone a better more healthier year ahead. Now let's get back to my post.

Usually during the post chemo week, I will go into depression at least once and it happens when everyone is asleep. I guess I don't like to be seen crying or to be seen depressed. But it happens all of a sudden. When it does, I will cry a bit and then I will start to note down my exact feelings for that night. I will share with you the note I wrote on one such pity party night I had all of a sudden just after my C3.

I somehow got myself into a pity party again. It just happened and I didn’t know how. I was watching K drama in my bed while the rest of the family was asleep. And once the episode ended I put my phone away. And the next thing you know I’m crying.

I’m tired I really am. Just a few months ago I was living my life. I had it under control. I was working and I was leading and I was happy. I had to work, teach my son, be a wife and lead the family. And today, I can’t even walk from one room to another without feeling tired. I look fucking ugly without my hair and sleeping hurts my scalp. I can’t bring my boy wherever he wants to go cos he has to live with my illness.

I mean how could my life become like this all of a sudden?

I’m like walking dead. Whatever that I liked about myself is all gone. My breasts, my hair, my eye brows and lashes. Practically me. Who am I now? I feel I’m just a shell left behind. What the hell happened to me? How could my life just be road railed like this?

Hubby works so hard at work and I can’t be supportive of him. Instead I want him to stay by my side all the time and I feel selfish . My son, he’s supposed to have his own fun and all and yet he doesn’t go out and I can’t bring him out in this state. How long more really?

I’m nothing but a shell of my past. I am nothing. Just a uselsss piece of rotten shit waiting to be killed slowly. I keep crying silently cos I don’t know what else to do. What had become of me is so unbelievable I just need to cry. Do all cancer patients go through this? Or do they hang on thinking that going through the treatment would add them more quality life? What kind of life am I living now? I’m sick and tired all the time. I can’t eat well and I can’t taste well. I’m bald and my fingernails are all turning blue. I hate everything about myself and soon my family will hate me too. I’m sure my hubby will hate me too. What will happen to me if he hates me? What’s the purpose of living till then?

I should end the pity party. Even I should know my limits I think.

Fyi, I note everything down in my Evernote. Its not like I am in the mood for old fashion fountain pen and diary when I am in my crying mood.

Since the above theme happens after every chemo, I call it my own pity party. This note is titled "Pity Party 2' in my Evernote. This particular post is the least depressive one actually.

It is usually the same. All of a sudden I will think about my life pre cancer and then compare it with my life post chemo session. I will probably like shed a few tears for half and hour or so. And then common sense will prevail. Usually I will think about children who have cancer and then all this nonsense of mine will stop. I will curse myself for feeling like this compared to little children who have cancers and go through chemo as well. I should be stronger than them.

So these little cancer warriors are my inspiration. I think of the P6 kid who passed away due to cancer just before his results came out and I will stop crying, He was a brave child. All children with cancer are and they are my source of inspiration. I hope stories of these kids will guide me along the way.

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