• Nathira Salim

Naked scalp update

Welcome back to my blog.

Its been more than two months since I shaved my hair off from my beautiful scalp. I have some sort of early peach fuzz now where my curls used to be but apart from that, there's no sign of strong growth yet.

At first, at least for the first few days, I wore a full covered bandana at home so that I would not scare my helper off, and also not to scare my neighbours off as well. But as days passed into weeks, I let the bandana go and started to be at home head naked. The helper seemed unfazed and so did the neighbour. When I do get to be out of the house, my scalp is covered with a hijabi inner wear and the full covered bandana. And if I can't find them both, I will wear the cancer beanie that was prepared by a volunteer at the cancer centre or my son's beanie. Now - two months later, I welcome people to my house with my naked scalp. I no longer care what people think. Not only that, I keep forgetting I am now bald.

I have not been caring much for the scalp since the shave really. I think in the past two months, I only oiled the scalp once. Whats the point of it really? My scalp will remain exposed without its curls until the treatment is over, so what's the point of looking after it now? So I let it be. But every time I look at the mirror when I am up in the morning, I do get a bit of shock looking at myself. I have to be honest. Without makeup, without my eye brows and eye lashes and without my curls, I look like the Punching Man but with a much rounder face.

You see in my mind, I am still me, with my hair, brows and lashes. But every time I look at the mirror in the morning, or when I catch my reflection in the window while working, I get a little surprised everytime. I'm like - ' Holy Fuck I am ugly!' Like I have said before, I am fine being without the hair on my scalp, but being hairless all over my body, I am not liking it. Maybe, if the thinning had spared my brows and lashes, it would have been better. For me. The rest of the body hair, who cares right?

I know I sound childish when I say that I wish I had my brows and lashes and all, and I also am aware that all this is temporary and it will come back once the treatment is over. I get it. But waking up daily to see the punching man with dark freckles and then taking time to draw my eye brows every day- wow I am like - how long more? I am not being ungrateful, like I said before, I am aware that I am at a much better place that some people, but I can mope about it can't I? Another few more months of chemo, few more sessions of radiation and maybe some more rest and exercise, my life might be back to normal and one day, hopefully one day, I can look back at this phase of life and smile back thinking that this was one of the most defining moments in my life.

Or I may never recover, and die within this year itself.

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