• Nathira Salim

Missing my past

Welcome back to my blog.

I think due to the new drugs I am on, I'm not as fatigued as I normally would be. I am writing and editing every day. I am also working more on my journal to make it more colourful. I currently have at least six more articles on schedule. Good job Hira!

Yesterday while I was clearing my table for the day, I somehow wanted to read all my old posts. My old blog contains posts as early as 2007 when I got pregnant. I wanted to relive those days. I wanted to remember me before cancer and also wanted to remember what I used to stress about. It was kind of eye opening. I wrote about my unhappiness with my hubby, stress of having in laws around when I was pregnant, parenting my son, life in general and so on.

In one of the post, I complained that it was hard parenting my son. He was bring cranky and all and crying and stuffs like that. Looking back at this like some 11 years later, all I can do is laugh. It wasn't that hard! I would go through all that again if I could. I mean if I wake up to the time when my son was around 1 or 2 years old, with all the experience I have now dealing with him, I would do parenting slightly better. But unfortunately, I only conceived once and never had another opportunity again. I would do it better, not only parenting, but my marriage ( I would stop all that unwanted drama we had), my career, the tumultuous relationship of my mother and my sister and my life if I were to go back again.

Not only that was eye opening, as I read on, I realised both me and hubby - especially hubby - he had a rough time that past decade. He worked his ass off like nothing and was extremely hardworking. He spent most of his time in office but made sure he spent some time with me and our son, also giving his time to his parents. He struggled so much in his youth and having such broad and far thinking vision, he is where he wanted to be now. Successful. It's like he managed to go back in time and fix his life.

It is at these times that I wish we all have the option to go back to our past and re do it. What would I have done differently? Maybe parent my child with wisdown and less strictly and spend much more time with him. I did spend a lot of time with my boy when he was a toddler, but I think its not enough. I want to spend more time with my hubby, going to more trips just to enjoy ourselves.

I think when this Covid shit is over and flight travel becomes norm again, I will do all these. For now, I am enjoying my son's company and his chatter, and I enjoy my hubby's company and his conversations. Thats all I need. For now.

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