Is it worth it?
My day ended with a deep sigh today. A really really deep sigh.
A trip to the doctor today revealed that there were tiny lumps all over my dense right breast and she managed to take a suspicious looking 6mm one that was not seen in MRI or in mammograms. After further examination it is confirmed to be also a ADH tumour. Though in summary what Dr Sim said was that the surgery was all clear and I will be forwarded to the oncologist for further consultation.
She asked if I was considering going through the triple treatment ( chemo, radiation and hormone pills). I told her that I was still not sure. So she said we will run Oncotype DX - a test that helps to identify which women with early stage oestrogen receptor positive (er+) and invasive breast cancer are more likely to benefit from adding chemo to their hormonal treatment.
In short - this test should let me know if I need chemo or not. It will check the chances of my cancer coming back.
My cancer is a high grade one. So I am pretty sure chemo will be added to my treatment bundle. One of the main reason I am trying my best to avoid is to ensure my fertility is not affected. I asked Dr Sim about trying for another baby, but her face and expression said it all. She gave me some scenarios such as eggs retrieval and storing them and try to have a baby years later. But by then I will be 46, and I don't think I can have a child then. Long story short - forget about having a child. It's not happening.
When I came out from the room, my eyes was welling up. Hubby saw it and poor fellow having no idea what was going on in my head tried his level best to console me. I was in no mood to be touched and consoled. What I have in my head, the thoughts that ran in my head - I felt were too small a matter to even talk to him about it.I tried so hard to control the tears, but all I could think until my name was called by the service desk to make payment for the consultation was that this is over. My dream of having 3 kids - that crazy dream I had and so believed in - was never going to come true.
So if there is nothing for me to look forward to, then why should I hurt myself trying to heal my body? I didn't want to live anymore. I just don't have a reason to. As we were heading home together in the car, hubby was tearing up along with me. I didn't wail or sob, the tears just came flowing wetting my face mask.
Chemo is chemicals going inside me. It is not easy and its not painless. There are so many side effects that comes out of it. I can't describe the pain for which I have not felt yet, but I have read about it and I fear it. Why should I give my body the opportunity to be wrecked with heart, kidney, lungs, immune issues in the future?
I just don't understand. Why should I be kept alive? Why should I fight? Its a natural process. Cancer is cell's DNA gone rogue. Natural. God gave me cancer. Its God's way of saying - time to go be prepared. So all I should do is prepare to go. Why do I need to fight? I fucking don't have anything to look forward to. If this is the same routine life that I am going to live in the next 10 years - then its ok - thank you. I am ready to go.
Don't tell me to live for my son. He's no more a child. He does not need me anymore. I don't have to mother him anymore. From now, the role is more of a prison warden than a mother. Hubby can do that. I don't know if boys need their mother during their teens. But I sure do think my boy will be happy if I am not around.
Don't tell me to live for my hubby. He's immersed in his work and after work activities even during my cancer. I know he's trying his best to be there for me. He's ensuring we can be financially secure to weather this storm. But I don't want to be a burden to him. My cancer has put a dent in his savings. If I leave in peace, wouldn't that be easier on him? What is he losing if I am gone? His life partner and wife. He can find another.
Why do I have to go through pain for the people around me when I don't want to live? Thats what I was thinking throughout the drive home.
I don't have anything to look forward to.
Even with all the positive thinking I could do to muster up some optimism, I couldn't let go of the deep sorrow I felt.
I am aware that I sound suicidal. I sound depressed even. Thats why I can't talk to hubby. Its hard for him to understand why anyone would ever give up on living. I am not giving up on living actually, I am just too tired and lazy to fight something I cannot see.
Some tumours were inside of me unaware for months or maybe years. Then I had to go and get it checked and biopsied and have it removed via surgery - twice. Then I put myself in misery and depression by going through chemo and radiation. And then I force my body to go into early menopause by taking hormonal pills for the next 5 years. And I lose my job in the process and gain lots of stress thinking about it. Is it worth it?
I just don't get it. Why am I being punished? Why do I have to go through this pressure? Again - is it worth it?