I have decided to work on myself. That decision came up after one week of sleepless nights. I have no idea why I couldn't sleep, but I can tell you that I wrote down all the things that bothered me on my scribble journal and came up with a 6 month and a 1 year plan for myself.
It does sound as if there's something wrong right? Here I am sleepless for more than a week, and instead of figuring out how to go back to sleep, I wrote about five pages of what I think I need in my life in a journal. At the end of it - I decided to make a project for myself. And I will be the project manager of it.
I am in recovery mode for the time being and will be so for the next six months or even longer depending on how I react to the chemo and its side effects. But there should be life after chemo with or without hair ( as I type this out - I still have hair.) How will my life be in six months time? Will I be weak and tired all the time? Would I be happy or a sad person? Will I be ok at the end of it all? Would I need more chemo or would the cancer come back?
Somewhere along the way while writing it all down, I decided that I should decide how I look like at the end of treatment. I mean I cannot control the outcome of the treatment, whether I will need more chemo, or if the cancer has returned or anything like that. But I can control how I feel and look towards the end of it.
This is what I know. I should be strong. I should be healthy, I should be full of vigour and vitality and brimming with life inside out. I should be grateful, thankful for the entire episode and for the rest time I had. I should be strong in my belief in God and of His plans that is meant for me and that I cannot know everything about everything meant for me yet. That is what I want. What I want is not the Hira before the cancer with the unhealthy lifestyle and all. What I want is a healthy Hira who will take care of her body, and will treat her body with all the respect and kindness it deserves.
That strong person will not come if I continue to live the way I am living now. If I want a better future, my present will have to make way and pave the path for the future me. I cannot do anything about yesterday, its way out of my control now. But I can do something about my present and that it is to make sure that whatever I do, I will ensure the vitality and strength of the future Hira. One thing is clear - I will not jeopardise my future because I am lazy now.
I made a rough plan at 3am in the morning. And today I decided to take-up a creative writing course. And in that course, one of the task was to list out all the things that brings me joy, And once that is all listed, to see if I can bring that joy to my every day tasks.
I wrote out a list, something that I can think of in the short moment. Hopefully I can list out more so that I am doing something I love every day. Like I said, only rough draft done. A more proper detailed plan will be drafted soon.