Everything is Awesome!!
Welcome back to my blog.
I do realise that the past couple of my posts were kind of depressing. All I lament about is my lack of interest, depression and negativity when I share stories about my pity party.
I hear a lot of stuffs from well meaning people when I tell them I have cancer. One of them is to stay positive. Like how? I was told to watch shows that make me laugh, read books that will humour me or do something that will take my mind off from depression. But does doing all these things work? Are you telling me that if I watch Comedy Central, standup comedies in Netflix, and comedy dramas, my cancer will go away? What about the people whose cancer came back? Is it because they didn't watch anything funny that they had cancer come back to them and they die?
By being or trying to stay positive, are we sugar coating cancer? If staying positive was really useful, then many women and men wouldn't be dead because of the many cancers we have now would they? I worry about the long term side effects of chemo, the current fatigue I have everyday because of it and I have fears about the unknown because of this cancer. I mean, right now everything looks ok, but who knows, suddenly I would have cancer pop out in several others areas in my body because maybe I have a cancer liking environment inside of me? Who knows right? And with all these doubts and fears I have, I have to put up a smile and read positive quotes everyday too?
According to this article here ,there is no link between personality and cancer. There are a couple of studies cited in this article and they all mentioned the same. Whether you are positive or not, the outcome doesnt change. But then it does not mean you go on wallowing in self pity as well.
I think staying positive in my view, is to do the best of my ability on the current situation as I deem fit, There is no way out from this, there are people who have passed on and they are people who are living with it for decades. During this raw crucial time of living through chemo, what I can do is to make the best out of this time. It is hard and I acknowledge that and maybe I have it better than the rest, who knows right? There are always some people who have it way harder than us somewhere. By wallowing in self pity, or be in depression, I am not getting anywhere, so is laughing off and being in denial about the real issue.
I think we should be allowed to cry when we feel like crying. We should be allowed to feel afraid and be worried about the future. Maybe after crying a bit, we may feel better. We may feel better with ourselves and the situation we are in and be able to make better decisions about our treatment options.
I may not be doing something with my life right now like all other established cancer fighters before me. But I am living it my way, I am not totally ignoring it or denying my mortality, but I am living my life the way I want to. Yes, I have cancer, and yes, the treatment sucks. But this moment in life I have right now, is the moment for me to stop and take the time to breathe and heal. I don't have to run 5K for any breast awareness event or raise charities in the name of it to do something. This is me.
Let me cry a river once in a while, and heal for the sake of the flesh I lost in my surgery and for the sake of all the healthy cells I have killed in the name of chemo. I will laugh and be grateful all at the right time.