• Nathira Salim

Could it be?

Welcome back to my blog peeps and hope you are all doing well and good.

Continuing with my fear of scans that I left off in my last post - let me continue.

I can't give you any good news like I hoped though.

I can't exactly tell for sure, but I think the technician as well as I, spotted a lump just underneath my surgical spot in my left breast during the ultra sound. I saw only one, but she might have spotted more, because she had like 35 images of my boobs.

I completed the mammo first. As usual it was painful - and then I was asked to go for the ultra sound. But - it took longer this time and it looked to me as if the technician kept looking over all my notes. "When was my last ultra sound? More than a year ago?" I was like ya - after that I was fed toxins you see, so I couldn't have done another ultra sound so soon. Again I was asked to wait but not change. I knew it then. It was not good news.

Its standard practice to ask patients to wait a while before asking them to get dressed and leave. But I knew that I will be asked to do a more complicated mammo again - which they did 3 minutes later. The tech said, there were some calcifications around the area where my surgery was done and they need to zoom into the scan to get a clearer pic again. So I had to do four more takes - which was so painful - the skin below the boobs tore.

Goodness the trauma I have...I just don't know how to describe it. I had tears flowing from my eyes involuntarily as I tried to breathe in and out so that I won't cry while the boobs are being mercilessly smashed. Again - they asked me to wait - this time in the same room while the tech went out of the room and came back with another technician. They went through the scans and then they said I was free to go.

There was so many shit running through my mind, I just already planned my funeral and another marriage for my husband in my head already. I couldn't control my fears and no matter how hard I try to breathe, I was worried I would break down and sob if I was left alone. I quickly dressed back to my blouse, deposited the locker key back to the counter and rushed out, I called hubby to tell him I was done as I walked out and meet my kid at the lobby - but when I spoke I also blurted to him what happened and my thoughts and then I cried. My son - poor thing was so worried he didn't know what to do because he just saw his mother in tears. I had my back towards him as I cry-talked to hubby over the phone. I said I was tired. I cannot do this anymore. He was so upset, he was angry that he wasn't there for me. I was like I can't do this - I want to go home, I didn't want to wait for him to pick me up.

So I left home. I had to reassure my kid that I was fine and I was crying because I couldn't tolerate the pain. I don't think he bought it.

In the cab - it dawned to me - that the lump(s) I saw could be non cancerous. There's a chance it could be. Why was I reacting to something that I have no knowledge on except for my instincts? There is nothing I can do - just like last year. Nothing is in my hands, I am just watching whats happening to Hira from a distance.

This is what I know:

  1. The doctor might call me earlier over the phone and schedule a biopsy to check out if the lump(s) are cancerous.

  2. Or - I would go to my doctor's appointment as scheduled next week and let her advise me on what she analysed from the scans.

  3. I will have to go for a biopsy to confirm the nature of the lump(s)

  4. If cancer - I might have to go for another surgery again plus chemo.

  5. If it isn't cancer - I will be asked to come back again like 3-4 months later.

Factors that I cannot control. Way beyond me. And I thought this shit will let me live in peace for at least a year. No.

Just to be sure, I checked online to see how a person with cancer dies if no chemo was done. It seems I will die terribly with breathing issues and all. Same death different modes.

By the time I came back home - I was back to my usual self. I have decided to let things be. If it is cancer coming back - too bad for me and my family. But I am not going to sit and wait for it to take me down. I am going to go on with my life - cancer or not. If I have to remove the boobs - I shall do it too. I have taken a conscious step to keep myself healthy and active and I am not going to deviate from that.

I agree my life is not going to go back to being "normal" - whatever that term may be now. This is my life. I have had 6 months of painless moments and I plan to keep it that way. Pray for me peeps.

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