A year older
Welcome back to my blog peeps.
I just recently turned a year older two days back. I had some plans to celebrate it, forgetting for awhile that I am a patient with cancer still undergoing chemo. After taking the new chemo meds Abraxane last Thursday, I had to welcome and go through new side effects that came with this new med from last Sunday till Monday night. Side effects include severe muscle pain from the waist down. My ankle, knees, feet, thighs and private parts all hurt like crazy and to tell you the truth, I was really really not in a happy place on both Sunday and Monday, I was exhausted from the pain as well.
My birthday was on a Tuesday and I spent it wisely by resting mostly at home. I had lunch with mum and the boys, but I was fatigued and was feeling hot by the end of it I just wanted to lie down. After resting a couple of hours at home, we went out for dinner at Priv`e. A very low key, extremely private affair. Not what I wanted, but I rather have this than nothing at all.
I have seriously downplayed this fatigue thing in my cancer journey, I really did and I still do. I keep forgetting that I am not normal anymore. I have to accept the fact that I am a sick person with a terminal disease. I don't like to say I am 'fighting' cancer. I am not fighting anything. I am going with the flow like I always do.The cancer is in me - why do I need to fight it? I am already letting the chemicals do the killing.
But the difference here is that, though I know and understand that I am not healthy anymore, I keep thinking I am good. I am not admitting that my body is sick. In my mind, everything is normal, I am on a break for a couple of months, and then things will be back to normal. But its not. A couple of things have changed and will remain so forever.
One classic example? My insurance. It will not be the same anymore. I cannot get a new insurance with my current health status for the next 5-10 years. I do know that AXA has launched an insurance plan for cancer survivors. But apart from them, if I were to get any other insurance plans, I will have to either get one with a higher premium or be rejected.
My career. I won't say I had a stelar career being a CEO or something. I had a job, and was happy in it. In my next coming future, I am not sure if being a person with cancer once will have any impact on. my employability,
At the moment, honestly speaking, apart from this two scenarios - I cannot think of any yet. Maybe as and when I happen to get to a roadblock I will update.
I am not sure if its wise to keep thinking nothing is fundamentally wrong with me, or keep believing that I am a sick person and will always remain so. But being a forgetful person, I think- for at least in the next coming months, I will forget that I am undergoing chemo ( like I did in the morning today). I will keep thinking that I am a perfectly healthy person taking a prolonged break from work and housework to reward myself for all those years of hardwork spent on coaching my son and keeping the house neat. I acknowledge that I need to insert chemicals in my body on a weekly session to kill the cancer cells, but that is what it is. Weekly medicals.
One day - and that day will soon come - I will look back at my cancer journey and be amazed that I went through so much. I will be proud of myself that I went through the grind. I will be proud of myself that though I did cry a bit here and there, though I did do a couple of pity parties for myself, though I did blame my mum and hubby for forcing me to do chemo here and there - I did it for myself and I surrendered my health and life to God.
I am sure that day will come and I am looking forward for that day eagerly.