• Nathira Salim

Fear

Welcome back to my blog peeps. Hope you guys are enjoying whats left of the last month of the year.


I have a scan today - and I think by the time this post is published - I would have done the scans. Its the half yearly ultra sound and mammo scans that my surgeon had scheduled for me months back. I have been dreading this day for many weeks and yet its here - today.


Why the dread? Well because I am afraid what I am going to hear next week after the doctor has gone through the scan results. More than the doctor, I am afraid what the scan technician will say. I will usually read her face when she looks at the scan to see if she's detected something abnormal. I am worried of course. Oh my god I am worried of so many things.


I am worried about the massive discomfort I am going to feel when the iron plates smash my boobs. I am worried about the pain. It was painful then and I am sure its going to be more painful now. I dread the cold plates that comes down hard on my flesh. I dread the 10 seconds of holding in my breath while they radiate more areas of my boobs with radioactive rays.


What if the cancer has come back despite all that I have tried to do ( except eat Tamoxifen)? Do I have to go through surgery, chemo and radiation again? What if despite all that - I still have cancer? I mean - I am feeling dull pain in my surgical area for the past couple of weeks - could it be cancer?


Because I was busy studying for another certification exam over the weekends which I passed - I didn't go for my morning walks. And I could feel my knee joints hurt whenever I walk, sit or stand, And today when I went for the walk - I couldn't walk well. I started small and slow. I took time to walk and remind myself to listen to my body. I am not competing against myself today - I am healing my body and listening to it. If the body is giving signals and signs that it is in pain - I listen to it - but still coax it to work. But it was hard. It really was. I could feel the bones in my feet hurt as I try to level the whole feet on the ground as I walk and I suddenly feared - maybe I have osteoporosis. I was warned that I will have early onset of it if I have chemo.


I will have everything I guess until I get my body sorted and coax it back into its natural healthy state. Am I whining? Maybe a little. But I am still scared. Common sense tells me - everyone is going to die one day - and that includes me. Why the worry?


Heart tells me - I don't want to pray for an early death like I did during chemo. I want to pray daily that when I am gone, the people around me will go on living without a deep sense of emptiness in their lives. Also - knowing that my body can succumb to cancer anytime is well - disheartening.


I am grateful and thankful for the life I had then before marriage and the life I have now after marriage and a kid and a cat . I know that I am where I was meant to be all these while and I am truly grateful. What more is there for me to have?


Well...if I am allowed to be greedy...I want to grow old with my man. I want to see all his remaining hair turn white as snow like his dad. I want to see his wrinkled hands on mine. I want to argue with him and I want to listen his dad jokes and laugh. And I also want to see my son grow up and married off. Thats all. I must see to it that he's found his ground to be independent and do what he loves to do and be happy. I want to see him live his life even if he has to move out to do so. And of course my mum. All I want is to be alive till my mum is. I cannot bear the thought of her losing her child and going crazy like her mother did. The least I can do for her.


It does sound greedy and all foreboding isn't it? Well let me come back and hopefully I have good news to post rather than sad ones.


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