How to survive a breakup - Singles
Basically, I realize breakups happen practically in every relationship. It can happen between friends, relatives (inner circle and far out) and colleagues. It usually begins with the breakup of relationship with the opposite sex and then as you grow- it will happen with so called friends and well-wishers. Shit happens.
For virgins who have not been through a breakup with the opposite sex ever before - count yourself blessed - though I am pretty sure you are either highly desirable or highly delusional. But these virgins often think breakups as something you can get over with. And their advice usually starts and ends with the following:
“Forget it - chuck it”.
“You will get over her/him soon.”
“There are bigger fishes in the ocean.”
“Let’s party and forget.”
Or something similar along that line.
If the nature of the relationship with the opposite sex was something that did not stir your soul in the first place – but only boosted your ego – then the only thing you need to tend to is your ego. Which is easily inflated and deflated with the coming and goings of someone new. But I am not into egoist breakups. I am more into the soul wrecking breakups.
For the virgins who have been through a breakup with someone they have often thought of as a rock you could fall back on or a soulmate - I am so sorry for your loss. The breakup can be mutual, heart breaking or unexpected. No matter what - it’s a loss.
You will go through shock, denial, anger, pain, sorrow, depression, melancholy, hope and then back to happiness or at least peace - or may be more, I don’t know. But basically, the only way I know to move on is to stop avoiding the pain.
You cannot move on with the rest of your life if you avoid facing the pain the breakup has caused. For some, shock takes over and the pain doesn’t creep up till one day you burst out like a pressure cooker.
So don’t. It might not happen in a day or two. Sometimes - you might feel nothing. As if the loss of such a person did not affect your daily routine. Then one day - out of the blue, during your normal routine - the pain will hit you. Sometimes it happens when you go for lunch, movie, party, or even to the bed. You will then realise something important. Emptiness. The hollowness of your life. No matter what you do, engross in more work, party and play after work, get yourself really tired so that you have no moment to be on your own - the more you avoid the pain - the more it will eat into your subconscious mind.
My advice - don’t.
The journey towards peace and hope – is quite long and treacherous and painful. And its not going to be easy. So to really want to go back to being normal again - you have to first understand this - you will never be normal again.
Then take a deep breath, muster up the warrior in you, and face the pain heads on. All the materials you have that reminds you of that person- look at it and go through the memories attached to that material and cry over it if you must. Maybe different person come up with different ways to deal with the pain. I had to cry like a lot. If you are like me who cannot just pack up and leave town and move to a new country to avoid the pain - you then have no choice but to revisit the same places you have been to and go through the pain.
Everything and anything you do and see will remind you of the person you lost. And what will hurt you are the memories you and that person created. Those memories that hurt you now - will one day make you smile. But before that happens - you have to go through the process of making peace with the situation at hand and go through the process.
Give yourself the time to heal. Give yourself the permission to be sad and depressed for a time. Give yourself a deadline to mourn for the loss of the relationship.
I thought I would mourn forever- but it took me actually a year to move on - but a decade to finally put it to rest. Moving on means you finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and you can find it in your heart to give another person a chance to share your life. But putting it to rest means - the hurt, humiliation, desperation, yearnings, and desire for that person will take time to go away. For me it took a long time - but for some - its solid. When its over and they have moved on - they really have moved on. Nothing - will ever make them think about that past.
So my rare virgins - take your time to heal. Set yourself a time limit to mourn for that loss of relationship. And when that time is up - move on. You are no longer the same person you were before the end of that relationship. Maybe you are a little more cautious, a little less carefree- whatever you were before - you may not be that person again. When you think of the past - you actually also think of the person you were too.
When you do decide to move on - please move on only because you have had enough of mourning. Not because you are under pressure from your family or you want to avenge your ex or try to tell him/ her that you can do better than him/her. Please. This is your life. Nothing send a message better than you have moved on when that person sees the light back in your eyes again. Kindly do not be childish and move on with another relationship or person when you are not ready. You will hurt someone else for the shit you are going through. Think through. Don’t think with your private parts and heart - think through your brain.
And if you do mourn - kindly don’t go mourning forever. There must have been a reason for the breakup – mutual or not - its over. Cry over it, eat ice cream over it, take leave or mc and stay in bed and listen to sad songs - do anything you want to do – but within a time frame. You are supposed to only let yourself be relieved of the depression within you. Not go on mourning forever! You also have a life!
One day - and that day will arrive - you will look back and realise that everything happened for a reason. No one ever came out of a relationship weaker. Everyone emerges from a breakup stronger with much more clarity to know who to be around with.