Shrine in the past - F the expectations

The past weekend was something of a discovery moment in the making for me. First I watched a Hindi movie about mental illness and learnt something profound in that -  will come to that in a bit. Then I was building up tension against my husband, because I was doing what I felt "all the work" but my partner was doing none. I think it boiled over like a pot of boiled dal -  and we had an argument. I realized on the spot-  I was wrong. I really was.

Then I spent maybe 5 mins at the kitchen window staring out at nothing in particular but thoroughly enjoying the heavy rain. The rain lasted somewhat the same time I was pissed. Then it was gone. And then it hit me. How can we expect another person to fulfill all our needs so that we will remain perpetually happy all the time? That's unfair. Actually this was the bit that Shahrukh Khan tells to Aalia in the movie "Dear Zindagi". I liked the movie by the way. The advises churned out by Khan was profound, realistic and wise. I wish every parents were like Khan's character in the movie.

I then realized it was true. I placed my happiness  -  something I should be in charge of, something I should be looking for myself, something that is within me and me only -  to someone else -  my hubby. Doesn't he better things to do? Would I like it if someone else takes over my kitchen and starts placing all my stuff elsewhere? No. Would I like it if someone tells me that I should move my bed to some other room? No. Would I like if if someone else takes care of my child ? Hell no!. Then why did I expect my hubby and child to give it to me? Why should they be running around making me happy? It was like a dong to my head. I was in a daze for a while.

Expectation. They are like the worse thing ever. Instead of expecting more from other people, I should be expecting more from myself. That's what I should have been doing. I have been looking the wrong way all the while. I have been unhappy because I was expecting something, anything that would make me happy. Whatever he does to make himself happy did not fit into my list of expectations, and I get angry. Gosh -  when did I become like that?

There was  something I read a while back -  that resonated with me.

"What do sad people have in common? It seems they have all build a shrine to the past and often go there and do a strange wail and worship.What is the beginning of Happiness?It is to stop being so religious like that" - Hafiz.

It is true. I built a shrine in my past. I do often go there and worship. But I have not learnt to stop being that religious. I have now decided to not go to the shrine so often. I will maybe visit it once every few years to pay respects, but not every time.

Though I have in my blog mentioned here and there about expectations, and all - I tend to forget it  -  cos I have memory issues. Anyways -  I will try to expect more of myself and what that exactly means, is what I am going to find out. Once I have learnt all I can, I will update.

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