Your bloody right to happiness
You know somehow when you think you have an issue and you already allocate like an hour to think and lament and imagine worst case scenarios about it and prepare dialogues for situations that only exist in your head - but suddenly you hear a voice giving you the emergency brake. “At least you have this, there are others who are worst off”.
And this is whenever I am preparing for the worst.
My hubby told me something related about his family back in India and I was not happy. And he had to tell this to me at night, when I am preparing for a long 7 hour love relationship with the bed. I was not able to sleep after that. My hubby though, on the other side of the bed - slept like a child. There I was, imagining scenarios after scenarios of what will happen if I said this, or said that, and playing and replaying the dialogues to spew at those people when I have the chance. Should I say this, or should I say that? Should I leave the room now for a dramatic effect or should I throw some cooking pot at that person’s face for a physical defect (them- not me)?
So many, many thoughts. And then I heard my son’s deep relaxed breathing as he slept peacefully. And all that dream drama came crashing down. And this didn’t happen once. I think in the hour that I tried to sleep - I already came up with about 6 different possible future episodes. And each time, whenever I hear my son’s deep breath, they all come crashing down. I keep thinking God is not fair every time I imagine something negative. Then He reminds me. At least I have a family – there are others who don’t.
Today I had an ego clash with the hubby. Nothing to do with him, all he did was sleep an extra hour - and because of that, the routine we have been working so hard to set for the past week was altered a bit so I was not able to prepare lunch for work for the both of us. Nothing serious happened. Nobody lost a limb or anything. I was able to send kid to the bus stop in time for him to catch his school bus. But I was furious inside. I was mad. I was angry. I was upset that I had to send my son - ruining the schedule. Why must he sleep that extra hour? Why am I the one doing all the work? I was already upset that kid forgot to tell me he needed to buy something from school. This is me feeling guilty that I was shortchanging my kid’s future in school, because of my full time work. All that in me – in my head.
When I went back home, I woke hubby like twice (in 15 min interval) and had to remind him that we need to leave home early so that I can be early at work. He said I was treating him like a driver. Actually - it was not what I said - it was the modulation. He said I was treating him like a kid along with my son. Nagging. I was pissed. Nagging? Me? I effing do all the work and all he has to do is drive around and he says I nag? The anger and ego bubble was ballooning in seconds. He told me to take my own transportation to work and I did. He was pissed. So was I.
And guess what I did? I went aboard the imagination drama train at the same time I boarded the train to work. I did a lot of stuffs there in my mind and went so far there. This time my son was nowhere near me to stop me in my tracks. I went so far. Then I couldn’t imagine anymore. I mean I still can - but it was so negative. Who am I kidding anyway? Do I like the outcome my drama? Yes - maybe. But I am not happy.
This time- I brought my train thoughts to my family. The family both me and Hubby tried so hard to build. I may not be happy about things that my hubby do or did– but he is still my best friend and I am a very different person without him. So I try to focus my thoughts on the happier side of things. It’s hard work and not easy. But at the end of the day - I am an adult and most importantly I am a woman and am stronger than my husband. I can work alone, but we work better as a team and I know it. So I pray and place my faith in God knowing that He knows what is better for me. If I am not getting what I want - it may be that I am not right emotionally or physically. It’s trust and faith in something bigger than us. Good or bad.
The cliché is true you know. It’s all in your head. Happiness is not the state where you are, but the state of mind you are in. And a happy person is not a person in a certain set if circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes. So change your attitude to a happier one people. Don’t wait for others to give it to you. You bloody well own your own right to happiness.