15 sure ways to put on weight

There are countless ways to lose weight and you need not look further than Mr Google to find out the most simple ways to do so. I can tell you how to lose weight in my sleep -  for I have read countless books about this and have seen so many videos on this. To sum it all -  you have to eat right, sleep well and exercise every day. There -  you don't have to buy thick glossy books with lots of statistics that will guarantee headache and sleep to know about weight loss. But has there been any books on how to gain weight? Nope. So -  let me tell you the ways to gain weight effortlessly.

I am very qualified on this subject matter. I have been successfully putting on weight every day with at least 0.05kg weight gain per day just by breathing in air   -  and I have been at it ever since....I'm not sure when. Its been that long. Also  -  I am certified Obese person looking at my BMI -  and no body will take me in their lose weight challenge ( yes you Health Board!)

You might think, that methods to put on weight should be exact opposite to the method of losing weight. Maybe, maybe not. You may have several reasons to put on the weight and they may be as follows:

  • You want to look like me ( I am flattered -  really am!)
  • You want to scare your boyfriend/partner/hubby away
  • You want to scare your in laws away
  • You have a method to lose weight, but to prove your theory, you need to put on weight to bring it down and then write a book about it, do a vlog about it and a website about it and then go around the country talking about it and sell lots of stuffs and make lots of money
  • You want to know how it feels like to be heavy for the first time in your life
  • You want to develop your flat breasts
  • You are avoiding having a baby and you have no guts to tell your partner that
  • You are cast in a Hollywood movie and that requires you to put on weight on urgent basis
Notes: Jokes aside -  I don't think anyone has intentions to gain weight unless you are a severely anorexic person and you have to put on weight to live or if you are actor Vikram who is famous for losing weight and then putting that back on with little effort. 

Before I indulge in the secret on how to put on weight, let me enlighten you about the issues of being overweight. As far as I have been told, the fact is in short -  you will die faster than your slim counterpart. Not only will you die young and early you will incur lots of medical bills, burden your close ones, and die a very horrible and painful slow death. So now that you are enlightened -  let me list you the ways to help you put on weight.

15 sure ways to put on weight

  1. Watch TV all day and night
  2. Drink a glass of almond full fat milk every single night
  3. Consume lots low fat yogurt, every sort of low fat food, or no sugar drinks
  4. Drink lots of colas, and soft drinks
  5. Eat lots of bread -  white ones
  6. Eat dairy products such as milk, cheese, butter
  7. Include local delicacies such as chicken rice, poori with potato and rendang with ketupat -  every day if possible
  8. Eat biryani every alternate day. Go for mutton biryani for maximum effort
  9. Play computer games for at least 5 hours straight.
  10. Eat out or order take out.
  11. Take cab every where you go -  even if its to the market one kilometers away
  12. Eat instant noodles every day
  13. Eat ice cream every night before you sleep
  14. Work as much as you want on your computer sitting down. Sleep late after wards and wake up early
  15. Employ help to clean your home
Now if you have noticed - I have not mentioned about fast food anywhere. I said I will help you to put on weight, not have liver and renal failure within three months. But of course if you are in a rush to put on weight, you may follow my plan as below
  1. No exercise -  rest your butt all day.
  2. No going out of the house
  3. Order take outs
  4. Eat burgers and fast food such as pizza and lasagne with meat
  5. Have ice cream every day and night
  6. Eat cookies, chocolates ( with milk and nuts), snacks, crisps and biscuits with cream for tea time
  7. Drink soft drink with every meal and snack time
  8. Lots of deep fried food -  especially donuts that come in all shapes and favors
  9. Eat mutton biryani for lunch or dinner every night
  10. Drink milo ( the one with milk and sugar - not the low fat one) three times a day. It really helps

The above 10 tips will ensure you a health hazard definitely. You are also guaranteed to have acne, dull skin, unbalanced hormone levels and fuzzy mind.

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