Conscious Me

For the past few weeks I have been feeling restless. Something I cannot put my fingers on. And I don't understand it well. I get irritated with the way people behave and talk. Its as if they are all falling down from my scale of how people should actually behave and talk. Am I being too high headed or are people really behaving as if they are all knowing arrogant bitches and assholes?

I confided in hubby about this. I confessed that I really hated coming out of my home. I just hated to see people and hear what they talk and be in the midst of office politics however small and minute it might be. Sometimes I just feel like Walter Mitty - I imagine just walking right to the bitch who irritates me and slapping her. But then why do I get this? I even posted on my FB on what exactly I want to do.

Hubby told me that this is called the process of maturing. It happens. He went through it in in late teens and he is not surprised by what I am going through. He said that I have been keeping some form of high expectations of how people should do, be and behave. And when people fall -  I get upset and irritated. Hence I should lower my expectation of others -  but be where I am.

It made some sense. But I still felt lost somewhere. I cannot be constantly be irritated with others. I just lost a childhood friend because I was sick of her bossyness. Not that I have regrets in it -  but how many more people do I lose to make myself be comfortable?

All afternoon yesterday during my lunch break -  I kept walking around the city without any aim or purpose. Somehow I have more time and less projects. I feel as if I am getting more time to myself-  and I feel alone. It may be because of my hubby's hectic and busy schedules I hardly get to be with him or be at one with him when we talk  -  hes there physically but not there - usually on the phone liaising with his assistants on work related matters.

When I was back home -  I just felt I needed to find out about what I was going through -  I needed some sort of guidance somewhere. I have this book called The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav. Bought this book a couple of months back when I was restless -  but I couldn't read past the first chapter -  because I hardly understood the contents. I actually felt so sleepy reading it. I guess it was some kind of heavy material that only well read people like Oprah Winfrey or Mary Angelou will understand and be connected to ( after all -  both of them had forewords about this book) and thus the book was in my "TO READ" shelf collecting dust.

So I took the book and checked the contents and decided not to read  progressively -  but select the topic that I felt was more suitable. I selected Choice and Addiction.

I felt the yawn coming when I read the first line. I really did. But I wanted some answers -  and I just didn't care if I didn't understand the mambo jumbo of the words -  I just wanted some light. And there were lots of "LIGHT" in that chapter alone. And I mean it. The words LIGHT appeared a lot.

That chapter talks about splintered personality, soul, karma, conscious evolution ( yes I have the book right next to me -  I can never remember all these on my own!) and intentions.


You cannot choose your intentions consciously until you become conscious of each of the different aspects of yourself. If you are not conscious of each part of yourself, you will have the experience of wanting to say, or to intend, one thing, and finding yourself saying or intending something else. You will want your life to move in one direction, and find that it is moving in another. You will desire to release a painful pattern from your experience, and see it reappear yet again.

This I understood -  like after re reading it twice.

The choice of intention is also the choice of karmic path. If you speak or act from anger, for example you create the karma of anger. If you speak or act with compassion, you create the karma of compassion, and a different path opens before you. This happens whether you are aware of the different parts of yourself or not, whether even you are aware of the choices that you make at each moment. Unconscious evolution through the density of physical matter, through the experience that are create unconsciously by unconscious intentions, has been the way f our species to now. This is the unconscious road to authentic empowerment.

Follow so far?? Re read if you are lost.

What is a responsible choice?
As you follow your feelings, you become aware f the different parts of yourself, and the different thing that they want. You cannot have all of them at once because many of them conflict.The parts of you that wants  more money and a bigger house conflicts with the part of you that suffers with the poor and hungry. The part of you that reaches out with the compassion towards the beauty in others conflicts with the part of you that wants to use others for your ow benefit or gratification. When you satisfy one part of yourself, the needs of another go unsatisfied. The fulfillment of one part you creates anguish in another, or others, and you are torn.

After about a few paragraphs...this i understood.

A responsible choice is a choice that takes into account the consequence of each of your choices ( the ah moment for me). Project yourself into the probable future that will unfold with each choice that you are considering. Do this not with the energy of intention, but simply to test the water to get the feel for what you are considering creating. See how you feel. Ask yourself,"Is this what i really want?" and then decide. What you take the consequence of your choice into your decision, and when you choose to remain conscious, that is a responsible choice.

Only through responsible choice can you choose consciously to cultivate and nourish the needs of your soul, and to challenge and release the wants of your personality. This is the choice of clarity and wisdom, the choice of conscious transformation. It is the choice of the higher-frequency energy currents of love, forgiveness and compassion It is the choice to follow the voice of your higher self, your soul. It is the decision to open yourself to the guidance and assistance of your guides and Teachers. It is the path that leads consciously to authentic power.

So the above few paragraphs got me thinking. And I read through the chapter. So conscious thinking. Meaning - I have to really be there and in the moment to make decisions. I am not saying suddenly I understand everything and that my brain's remaining 99.99% capacity has been released...nope. But at least -  I am onto something. Or so I feel.

I am not sure how far I am to go looking for answers something in me is seeking. But I really hope I find it , understand it and embrace life as it is instead of complaining it away and being angry with the people around me.

If you want to know more about this book - you can see his interview here. Whatever he says makes sense.

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