Sleepless long post

This is the first time I'm blogging from my bed in the middle of the night where I'm supposed to be sound asleep or snoring (if I ever do that).

I can't seem to fall asleep.  I didn't sleep the whole day today and I was sort of sleepy and tired when I got into the bed. But when the lights were off...that's it. I'm just staring at the ceiling where the  glowing star stickers were..

It could be the chai I had today after staying away from it for a while... But it does not explain this insomnia for the past few days. I can't go to sleep but I can't get up on time when I do go to lala land. Adding to this little irritation, I'm developing a sore throat which will go full throttle in like less than five hours. The only good thing that came out of the two hours that I stayed up... I remembered that there were sore throat lozenges in the fridge and in my medical box.  So I went to the kitchen, spent a few minutes rummaging through the messy contents in the fridge (let's not waste time blogging about that!) I found strepsils the one with the honey and lemon mix. Popped one and back in bed. And few minutes of sucking it and waiting for it to somehow slow down the effects of the sore throat.. I remembered that strepsils and I don't work well hand in hand or lozenges in throat or whatever. Well that was the original strepsils not this lemon honey mix...so let's hope it works.

Once I'm done blogging, I will pop one more and try to sleep.

By the way...do you know I took up tai Chi? Well now you do . I will tell you more about that some time later. What I can update is that my friend and tenant Ms satya enrolled together. The first session was ok...but the walk from the park connector (where the session took place) to my place took a toll on my stiff and heavy lower body...that I was momentarily put down in bed for like maybe 24 hours.

I developed a sudden fever with cold chill and then headache for the whole day. Hubby was afraid that my brains would have been fried throughout the night because of the fever. I had fever and headache...the whole head pain kind of thing.

I'm pretty sure the taichi had nothing to do with it...if you want to know why..please Google about it to know why.

But if I were to look at the superstitious logic..we did do the exercise behind the Chinese temple and it was way past maghrib...and we did walk a long way back home in the dark.But if I were to slap myself real hard with practicality...it makes sense on why I was down. I haven't walked that long in ages...maybe four five months long. And for the past few months I have been avoiding exercise and been working and sitting....so lower body tension was inevitable.  I did feel cramps on the walk back home. So slapping myself hard does work!!

Anyway the moment I think about getting my lifestyle tweaked a bit I get pulled back another two steps back. I think this is what happens to people who really want to change.

I was actually playing with the idea of learning how to dance.  No no not belly dancing...(I cannot imagine that). I have always wanted to learn natyam or bharatanatyam. I put out this idea with hubby first to see what his reaction be...he told me to try anything that makes me feel happy. Then my close friend and another family friend and they were totally supportive about it. The only person who was hesitant was me. I wonder how it will look alike to others...a 35 year old stay at home morbidly obese indian Muslim woman learning to dance...will the stage give way and collapse in the middle of the dance!?? ( actually.. THAT I can imagine)

But then again...I'm not like the others am I?  I have been given a family that supports my ideas and choices I make in life without judging me or doubting me. Well that family does not include my mum and sis..they don't exactly support every choices I make. They have formed a habit in doubting me till I succeed. And they will doubt about my next project too...cos they don't understand why I do what I do. Not that I blame them for it...but they have been like this for a very very long time. They are the face of society.  So if I tell them something their feedback is the feedback of the Indian Muslim community. Or so I perceive.

I'm focusing on the small family I was given..husband and child. Well child is more like an adjustment. He's ok as long as he well taken care of. What matters most to me is what my hubby feels. I have to thank Allah and my mother's dua for giving me a non typical indian Muslim dude as a hubby...(must have mentioned that a hundred times now). My hubby knows that I'm capable of doing stuffs...my degree proved it to him. I can do more. I took up taichi to focus and channel my energy force. I have the intention to learn natyam but I have to start looking for someone who's willing to believe in me to train me.

Truth be spoken I feel one kind to even admit in mybown personal blog that I want to learn the traditional Indian  classical dance. No..nothing to do with religion. I just feel one kind. Well people will laugh...but they who mocked and laughed at me are still where they are. I have moved on.
Let's just preview the list of questions and and my answers my mom(face of society) with regards to my life after marriage.

Q: You got your driving licence and so does your hubby. So why have you not bought a car? People with lower income than you guys can afford one.

Me: I will get a car when I feel like its the time to get one. With the amount of money I save as a family spending on the car's fuel and maintainance per year we can splurge it on holidays.

Q:  Why don't you just get a second hand car? At least you have a car.

Me:  Second hand or not expenses are always there for it. We have been living without it for years and no issues so far. If need be..we will get one but definitely not a second hand one. A new one obviously.  And again I can use the money I save for holidays.

Q: You are always focused on holidays. You are selfish.  Why don't you buy gold it will be useful at the time when you need most.

Me: First of all..my mum had given me enough gold to be self sufficient financially alhamdulillah.  Secondly I cannot wear gold...sensitive skin. Thirdly..I have been single for 25 years before I got married and never did I see other places outside of Singapore. My hubby has made me believe that we can go to any country we want and we have because we have enough. We have had our son travel with us to see places I never got to see but only hear and read about. What have I achieved of saving money and hoarding gold like the others?  I believe..nothing.

Q: So you believe holiday is everything?  What about saving for your son?

Me: He's not a girl whom I have to save for her dowry. And inshallah the ones I have will be given to my daughter if I have any or to my daughter in law. We are bringing up our son to be self sufficient till he reaches 18 and after that he has to earn his way to university. His future is secured and we have ensured it while he's still young. Currently we are planning for retirement only. And also...we can plan...only allah will know what he wills.
And yes holiday is a must because my hubby works hard every day and he deserves a break. And I believe holidays will give us all the relaxation we need as a family...be it a trip to Europe or to our house in chennai.

Q:  When are you planning to return to work full time?

Me: I retired like four years ago.

Q:  Then why are you going to office and working from home?

Me: To repay the study loan and credit card debts.

Q: You could settle it faster if you work full time

Me: True true. My hubby feels I'm a better person when I'm not stressed and I'm not stressed when I'm at home doing my own things at my own sweet time. But the truth is...I'm a lazy person and in  addition to that I don't like being bounded by rules and administration and office politics. When the need arises, to work to support the family, when my hubby feels the weight on his shoulders too much to bear then I will step back in to work full time.

Q: Then your degree is waste of money and time then. What's the use of if you are not going to work?

Me: I have the luxury to study without the need to work full time. I didn't study to find a better job..I am happy where I am. I took it to arm myself. Back to my earlier answer... If I were to go back to work full time and to earn enough to support the family basically... I need to justify the future employer why they need to give me the money I believe I'm worth. I don't think they will pay me anything more than 2.5k if I tell them that I have a diploma 12 years old, I quit my old job to look after my son and been working part time for few years with no certification or any paper works to prove that I'm worth more than that. My degree is valid for the next few years...and once I'm done with my loan...who knows?  I will study for the A  levels and try to go to Cambridge in London... Hahah you never know.

And last point.. My degree is not a waste of money.  I restructured the software process and did the analysis and did the project management for that project at work. None of which I could have done with the limited knowledge I had then.  The then and now matters. Of course then came the increment as well.... So all is not lost.

Q: So you think you know all. What makes you think you are better than the rest of them out there?

Me: I never said I know it all. And I never said I was better than the rest.  I know supermums in my own network of friends and I know beautiful mums in the same network as well. I know someone who went to far more places, someone who's far more wealthy, more educated..you name it. There's always going to be someone better than me in everything..and I'm not competing with that someone.  The only person I'm competing is with me. Because I'm the culmination of what my mother and my grandmother are and were. What I'm trying to do is to not be like them...not to stay in the same place without improving, without updating, without moving..slowly eroding. I'm pretty sure my mum would have had a different story line than the one she has now if my dad was a different person.  I get that. But she's given up on life and on her way back. She rather stay at her home all cooped up and cosy rather than move out and explore. That part of her withered. Her only epic achievement was steering me out  of a life that I could easily fallen prey to and ended up in state I cannot imagine getting up from. She brought me up well and good...something she's very very proud of (and I'm too. I wasn't the easy kid to bring up)

What I am proving to myself is that I am moving on with life. Life doesn't stop when you marry or have babies or when some dies or when you get fat and lazy or when someone dumps you. It moves on doesn't it? And I want to do whatever life has to offer.I'm not interested in bungee jumping or mountain climbing (maybe later...but not now) or scuba diving or going into the most scariest roller coaster ride...sorry. I said I wanted to try new things and prove myself that I can still learn and not erode. Not that I want to die early.

These are basically the questions my mum asks me all the time. Instead of the curt replies I usually give...the above ones are usually the real reason.

So society or community... I don't thread in your path and you stay in yours. This is my God given life and I have learnt over the years to be happy with this.  So don't bother me.

Been blogging for a while now and my eyes are tired. Blogging from a phone with no lights in the room is slightly painful to the eye. And also I need to pop another one of those lozenges... Ciao dearies

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