Can't handle it

I have no idea how many days I have fasted. All I know is that by god's grace I am still able to. That's all I need.
I am really contemplating to deactivate FB for sure.
It seems that the Arab-Israeli war has started and many pics have been posted online. And they make me feel depressed.

First of all - I wasn't sure where the pics were taken -  cos there's this Syrian civil war going and then this this. I actually didn't know the Gaza went on war till yesterday ( since I do not read the news). I saw some contacts signing up to go to an event, which when I clicked on -  I didn't understand where this was being held. I was in a turmoil since yesterday. This pic -  though as much I try to remove it from my stays stuck in my soul. A small boy child, surrounded by rifles all ready to shoot the kid.And the kid is looking at the people scared and all.
It took me just seconds to register the image and I logged off.

Do you know how much I had to try to remain calm after seeing that? I was trying to use my knowledge I gained in school to check out if the picture was real -  cos the angle where the pic was taken just didn't add up. Some one must have been lying flat on the floor to take a pic in that angle. I was trying to tell myself - its a hoax  and that that image is not true. I kept saying to myself shaking my head on and off while trying to teach my agents online in Skype. My heart was just not there at work. It took maybe less than a minute - I felt my heart sink. I don't exactly know how to explain that in words -  but I felt my whole emotions and my heart along with it sink to my tummy. I had tears in my eyes and since I was fasting -  I tried my level best to control my emotions.
I really did.

The first thought I had -  " Ya Allah -  why do You let this happen? Is this what happens to believers? Why can't you do anything? Do You really exist?"

See the moment I thought the last  -  I quickly reprimanded myself.  I believe in His Existence of course -  but I cannot handle this image. Call me coward -  call me insensitive, call me unworthy of being a Muslim - anything - but the truth is - I really cannot handle that image or anything that happens there. I know some scary horrible shits are happening and children are killed in the most horrendous ways -  but I have not the stomach to handle it. If I see too much of this - then I will disown God. I will. I know I will. Because I cannot understand why this happens. I really don't. They all look like my babies and I can't take it. And honestly speaking -  what can I do but pray and dua for the people stuck there?

I am not qualified to talk about religion. I am not a scholar, I'm just a normal believer. I don't see the difference between people. They all look like people to me. So I will not say anything that I don't have ample knowledge about. But I can say what I know.

I know deep in my core -  that God has His reasons. We are here in the world between the time of Adaan ( Call to Prayer) and Solat ( Prayer). He brought us here and we go back to Him. We don't have much choice in that. And if something really bad is happening -  then it means something good is about to follow as well. People in one part of the world are killing each other for land, water,space and freedom, while in the other -  people are posting pics of the food they ate, the places they go to, or what the children are doing, spending money on un necessary stuffs, and so on. This imbalance - I don't get it -  but He knows it all. I don't want to know - because being a mere mortal -  I cannot be expected to know it all. And basically the truth is - as mentioned before I cannot handle it.

The killing, especially young innocent lives -  I don't get it. Or how they live with it. But He has his reasons  - and that's how I managed to console myself. The fact and the belief that all these are happening for some good reason - is a bitter truth -  but for someone who's far and away and protected from horrors of war -  this is the only thing I can do. Believe.

I'm not turning a blind eye to the plight of the Muslims. I m not turning a blind eye to the fact that there are homeless people everywhere around the world, people who are living below the poverty line, girls raped on the go in India, children who are so skinny and undernourished and dying in Africa, and so many many other horrors that other people go through in their course of life.

I don't have to explain my self, nor do I have to be afraid of anyone. I can't do much for the Muslims there -  but I can start from wherever i can right? I can pray and make duas for them. I can show my support for them. I ensure that my son follows the deen and not divert from the path that was guided to us. That's the most I can do. The rest -  as I have done always - place the burden to Allah- in the belief that He knows best.

I won't say I feel relieved that I wrote this out instead of pondering over it - I still feel sad.No amount of sighing out carbon dioxide is relieving me of my hurt.

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