Mid life crisis
So ok, the birthday has passed me by. And what did I do? Nothing. I just went on to read some mystery novel about a priest who acts as a detective in his spare time. It was like reading a book meant for young adults. Easy to read.
No seriously - birthday was simple. A Moroccan lunch at a small restaurant that was more like a mom-and pop run small business - where the supervisor was having her lunch and invited us over - as if we were visiting some one’s house for hari raya.
Food was ok. I did not discover any new taste that will turn my world upside down. I had Moroccan biryani - I can’t remember how it tastes now - but I guess it was not much of a dish to be remembered. Went back home to cut a slice of rainbow cake that took like 5 minutes to be packed at that store called “I am”. I guess they do not have a clue who they are yet I guess. The weather particularly has not been kind to me – it’s not been raining at all and the heats been sweltering. All I could think of was to switch on the air con to the lowest possible setting to decrease the warm weather and sleep. That’s all I did.
So birthday was over and done with and I am now somewhat officially in my mid-thirties. Good for me. Or is it really?
Instead of making me happy - birthdays over the years has been making me feel depressed and sad. Hence I am not going to write anything about birthdays or what I think about it.
I don’t exactly know what I am looking for now. I mean - there used to be something I was working on, or something to do and achieve - but I honestly am not sure now. After years of wanting to be a part of someone’s love and life, and wanting to have a degree, have a child to complete the family - I am not sure what I should be doing now. I have not been trying hard enough to bring in Raihaan’s sibling - that can be something to work on, but seriously – I lack the discipline. What can I do? I am not complaining - I am so grateful for the things I have and been blessed with. But then comes the disturbing, nagging thought that slowly pulls my heart and mind down to the bottomless pit called darkness and depression. If this is what mid-life crisis is all about - I must do something about it. I keep taking deep breaths and giving out large sighs….the dark menacing thoughts that I am releasing out from my system - is not going away yet and I wonder why.
Oh did I mention my sudden intention to shave off my hair? Yes - that’s one thing I am going to do. I have planned this Saturday to make the drastic change. It’s usually the hair that takes the fall - but this time - I am not snipping parts of it - I am taking them all down. I hate the hair. The curliness and the heaviness have gone. And whatsoever that remains - reminds me of the old house broom that has been over used. I don’t know why my hair has lost its heaviness - but its dead and I know its dead. No matter what I do (actually nothing much apart from changing my diet to a healthy one and use my old phyto shampoo back for a month now) - I don’t see any changes. I hate it. I cannot believe I used to have lovely maggi mee hair. TA commented that there’s a chance that my hair follicles will remain dormant and never grow back and I am ok with that. I am a hijabi now - I don’t show off my hair anyways. “What about home?” he asks. He shudders to look at me without hair. I mean I will lose all the hair sooner or later - so why the delay. Might as well shave the whole thing. I am not happy with my hair. Period.
I don’t know what else I am going to shave off from me or my life if I don’t find a way to come out of this gloomy mode. This is irritating me.