Its about me and only me.

Now that I am no longer an academic and there is no need for me to read up on some online research articles, complete last minutes assignments, and study and cramp for exams -  there is a huge chunk of time that I have -  which I feel I should use to some good.

I already used that timing to read up all my reserve books, watch all recorded serials and do maid duty. In fact maid duty is still there -  its more of a career choice anyway -  that cannot be changed. But I have this need to do something -  to work on something to learn something new. So I shifted my focus to myself.

Strange as it might seem -  for a person who's only blogging about herself and her life and her small bubble wrapped world -  she is still focusing about herself. You might think that I should focus about the plight in Philippines ( typhoon hit, many people dead, many homeless) or brush up on my arabic learning skills, or something. I understand whats going on there, for I m not alone, there are millions of people with hearts bigger and wider than mine who are going all the way to help them, and I am pretty sure things will work out. 

But I m talking about my focus. I have been merely living. Not being. There is a difference to it.
I have been going with the flow all these time, and i usually focus about the past, or the impending future, but never thinking about the being or the present. Have you ever been in this state where you remember waking up and then you see yourself at the table having breakfast but cannot remember if you have brushed your teeth or showered? Or if you do remember all that, do you remember actually being in the shower, or the thoughts elsewhere?

I usually think about the morning chores when i m brushing. At times, i notice the mirror when I'm brushing and think about washing it so that the white paste splats that's all over the mirror will be gone. But I hardly see whats in the mirror in the morning. I hardly see the wasted paste that I spit in the basin.  But then at times, I do. I still my thoughts and think about the being in brushing. Me brushing my teeth. And then spitting. Then I notice blood in it. Then I think. Why do I always bleed when I brush?  Then when I m done, and wash my face, I notice the reflection and not the mirror. I notice the dark under eye bags so clear now that I had washed the mirror the day before ( no wonder I hate washing the mirror). I notice the spots all over my face. I notice the thin crow lines under my eyes, facial hair sprouting all over my chin, the bloody sideburns I had ever since I hit puberty, my unshaped eyebrows. Then I promise never to look at the mirror again.

I know, sounds depressing. But I sort of think I used to look better before. And I have no idea why I am not now anymore. So I thought of shifting focus to myself.

Raihaan is five already and hes doing most of his stuffs himself and now that hes going to school the whole day, I have the time to focus on myself. I don't have much work with hubby. Hes gone in the morning and back for dinner. There's like only 2 hours of interaction with him before he hits the bed. We are mostly together the entire day in the weekends only. We wait for Fridays for our date nights and spend most of the time watching tv at home. That -  is a topic for some other time.

Well anyways, so I thought -  again -  lets shift the focus to myself. Though I completed my studies -  I cannot say it was all about me. I had to do it because things were different 2 years ago and I wanted to arm myself with a degree. Now that I have one, I have to think about the container that is holding my spirit. High time I do it.

I remember thinking that I will never be like my mother. In fact I think I may have written in my previous posts about how I would never do this and do that...only to realize ( during one of the unfortunate moments when the toilet mirror was sparkling clean!) that I am turning into my mother - physically. The hair especially.

But daughters ultimately end up either looking like their mother or ending up being in the same situation like their mothers either mentally or physically. I don't mind having my mother's courage or other good virtues, but not the hair!! 

Not that I do not want to end up looking like my mother, I am trying to shift the change of destination in me having the same medical conditions like my mother. Shes warned me before, and I need to work on it.  So the focus this time, its on me. 

I have more than enough knowledge in understanding why I am overweight, but instead of trying to lose the weight by going on fad diet, I thought of taking the time to understand my body. There must be an underlying issue on why I eat what I eat and how it affects my body.

When I was a teenager and in my early 20's all I had to do to lose a couple of weight was to go on a fast and cut down food. Now, I put on additional weight when I fast and no amount of cutting down of food was inching the scale the other way. I am turning 35 -  and I will be in my 40s soon (OMG!!!! ) and I need to be in my best of my health when that happens. 

I have been looking forward to have another child, but then I should be in the best of health to have a healthy pregnancy and eventually a healthy child. So -  when I was in the library last week, I saw this book titled " The baby making Bible" by Emma Cannon.  

I am not going to go in depth about that book, but it was really good. I checked out the author's FB and noted that she came up with another book called "Total Fertility".  Thanks to my lucky stars -  that book was in the library as well. The first book was written 3 years ago -  and though the concepts and basic idea from the first book remains in this latest book -  it was a good read as well. It talks about the phases a woman goes through, and the food she must eat to ensure that she gets into optimal health before trying to conceive. 

Actually the tips in the books are almost like advise given by older women in India. Not to take cold drinks during the period, no swimming, no this and that -  almost the same. Not surprising also because she uses the theory from Chinese medicine to come up with all these. All natural and nothing artificial. I like her.

You see -  it takes time for things to happen to me for I think Allah knows that the conditions for my wishes to come true must be ready before I am given the opportunity to work on it. It took time for me to find the right guy to marry, took time for me to have my first born, took time to understand the nature and workings of a successful marriage ( still learning), and it took a long time to find the right course, class and class mates to complete my degree. So I am giving myself the time to achieve the optimal health I must have before I conceive.

Now saying that- I also must add -  that Allah knows whats best for me. I may achieve the right weight or condition to have another child, but I might not have one, or Raihaan might be the only child I would ever have -  and I am mentally prepared for that too.  I have had visions of children playing in my house and I m pretty sure I didn't visualize my niece and nephews.  When I still my thoughts and ask within myself if I will have another child, there's always a 'Yes" coming back to me. It may be my positive thoughts and affirmations maybe, but I am prepared in case it does not happen.

So  -  since shift is about me -  I am taking notes about the food I should be eating at each phases of the month, the activity I should be doing and what I should be thinking of doing. And I am pretty sure when I m ready, when I fully focus on my needs, my body and my life, what I want, will come to me. I need to find a acupuncturist, herbalist and a doctor who will not make me take metformin and clomid to have a baby.

This is a long post and I end this with a pic of a snack I made today. Chocolate Chip cookies. Amazing that I have the mood to make this, but left the sink high with dishes not washed.  Gtg, ciao.

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