Letter to a newly married wife

Exams over. I have nothing new to provide to the blogging world -  after all I m providing info about myself to the world, not sharing or providing information women or family need. Simple me.
Anyway I attended a young colleague's last minute wedding held simply at the Mariamman Temple.

I felt the overwhelming need to share whatever I learnt in my tenure as a married woman so as to provide her a glimpse of what the other side actually looks like. Its not always roses and sex isn't it? ( Well at least for a year it is ). So I sent her a letter of 9 advices.
Adding that in here along with her pics.

Divya and her new hubby

Forbes Family

Thats me giving her a lame advise

Selva's parting shot: Asking the bride for treat

Divya and new family

Divya and Raihaan

Dearest Divya
My heartfelt wishes on your rushed marriage. It was a beautiful and fun wedding…and it’s nice to see Alaypayuthey happening in real life.

As someone who had a rushed, against all odds marriage my self – I feel that I should hand over some advice - which is cheap of course, but something I wish someone had told me when I first got married. I would prefer if you and your husband read this together since both of you are in this together.

Advise no: 1
Have no expectations. Do not expect anything from each other. If you have some dreams of how your perfect marriage should be like - then throw it away.  Any one single expectations you have -  dump it. Expectations are killers in a marriage.

Advise no: 2
If you have something on your mind - say it. Don’t keep it to yourself and hope that your spouse will understand.  Nope - it does not work that way. Talk what you feel.  If you feel that they would feel bad if you tell them what’s on your mind - then say it in a way that they understand. Just don’t keep thoughts to yourself. Thoughts have a tendency to stay in your heart and then explode many years later. Been there done that – the experience was not good. So talk it out. You have something on your mind -  share it out.

Advise no: 3
Keep the love alive. So you guys loved and now you are all married. The game does not end there. I know many Indian guys believe the game ends once the thali is tied..but nope. The truth is - the game begins after the marriage. Anyone can be in love – the dog, cat, parrot…but it takes a man (both man and woman) to marry and run a family. Trust me when I say - it’s not easy to run a family and it’s not easy to stay married. NO matter how deeply you love each other, or the number of sacrifices you made for each other, if the love is not alive between the two of you - all these can and will be forgotten. Find time to be with each other – not only now – but also when you have children.

Advise no: 4
Rock solid support. Every man and wife should be each other’s pillars of strength.  You have to be there for him when he needs you and vice versa. You can show your support by just holding his hand ( if hes not a touchy person). Defend him where and when necessary. Ensure that your hubby does the same too. As time goes by - you need more of it.

Advise no: 5
Trust. Yes yes, we have heard that. Trust is important, trust is love and trust is everything. In my opinion – yes it is..but it’s not always that true.
First of all - how many times are you willing to forgive your spouse if he makes a very very bad mistake? I am not talking about ‘forgetting the anniversary “ mistake. I’m talking about the worst possible earth shaking mistakes (you can name it). Keep that in mind. If the mistake involves trust – tell yourself that you give your spouse 2 chances to repent. And tell that to him as well. Work on building the trust. I know trust is important, but marriage and being together is important too. By giving each other a chance to repent - you make yourself a bigger person in the eyes of your spouse and possibly God as well.

Advise no 6:
Love language. There are languages in a relationship. Understand which is yours and your spouse and work on it.

Advise no: 7
Never ever regret. You heard me say that on your wedding and I repeat that here again. You made a bold move to marry against your family. After making all those sacrifices and hurting your own family member’s feelings and of course- their reputation, promise never to regret what you did. This applies not to your marriage, but everything else in your life as well. This is very very important.

Advise no: 8
Marrying my hubby against his family’s wishes was my greatest achievement - or so I thought until I became a mother. After I became a mother - I understood the pain his parent’s went through. Of course now it’s all well and good between us – but that took effort on my hubby’s side. Don’t ignore your parents. Call your mother or siblings up every week. It’s ok if they hang up the phone on you – call them again. Call them even if they scold you or you feel bad – just call them. They will eventually accept your spouse.  You may not want to accept that fact that you need your parents – but I could not have gone through so much in life without my mother’s support. After all - they brought you up.

Advise no: 9
There will come a day when you guys are angry with each other so much that many words are spoken in anger and hurt arises. In such cases – before you scream or be sarcastic - think for a moment. Try to remember what made you love your spouse. There must be a reason you loved him…try to remember that feeling. It always works.

The above advises are all I can think of. There are more when you have kids…but there’s time for that. I wish you from the deepest of my heart that you find happiness in this constitution called marriage. It took me time to understand it, but my hubby is always guiding me to it. Hopefully yours do the same too.

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