Its sad actually

I am actually in the midst of reading about Excel 2010 -  a very very big book of over thousand pages and currently reading Chapter 3. The blogging itch started and I had to satisfy it before it wrecks my studying mode.

My hubby and I are in the middle of yet another cool war that started because he said the wrong thing. And yet he does not find it wrong, and finds my anger rather nonsensical. Well I m hurt internally and thus we have started a cool war( not a cold one, no intentions of dragging it longer than a week).

Week one of school has ended with me reading my text books, completing quizzes and workshops, and watching videos from the school's website. So far so good. I received distinction for two of my three foundation units for which I am so very happy about and somehow proud of it too. Still got it in me to study.

Apart from that, I have nothing much to add on actually. 

Today is a Sat, so the hubby is busy sleeping after watching his recorded " Seconds before disaster" and " Air Crash investigations" for the week. Hes kinda not feeling well either.

Hubby has started the ball rolling for this parent's Haj trip for which I hope it happens. They deserve the Haj trip and I wonder if my mum would want to go for it. Shes not the religious type, but she only wanted to go to Ajmer and that I have yet to help her on it. TA is being selfish as usual in not allowing me to go  by coming up with pathetic reasons of not having a mahram for my travel. First he did not allow RA to come along and now he does not want me to follow my mom. I have let the issue rest because the trip has been slated to next year. So I do not want to be making a huge scene with the man at the moment. Hopefully when the time comes I will talk sense and hopefully he sees it too. Just because he and my  mum are not in talking terms, that does not mean I m ex communicated from my family.

There is so much that TA is doing for his family, I feel that I am not doing much at all. Mum is right. The SIL will respect their MIL only if their own daughters respect their parents. I guess I did not do much of a good job in that area. I am trying, but then, I fail every time.

Anyway lets not be so negative. I am still in deep shit financially, where I m constantly struggling to pay up my credit bills and all. What irks me is that my own hubby has 5 digits in bonus, and I have none. And then i recall the days where we were best of friends when it comes to money. Now, its his money and mine.
Well, life's a bitch and so am I!!!

Oh did I mention that TA was not happy that I made a general comment in FB about something i feel about because it offended his friend. I knew that was coming anyway. My comment was a general comment made out in FB about how I do not mind friends calling in at any time of the day and night, but then see if their spouses are ok with it.

I admit it was a direct statement to his girlfriend who has not choice but to call him wee hours in the morning because thats when she can call since shes in US. I mean its ok if she calls at night and all, but wee hours in the morning? I already had enough of his family members calling at night time and asking about RA when they know he sleeps on time at night and now she.

TA knows I m not happy about it and he should advise his friend about that. He was not doing it. I have no issues with his girlfriend or friends, just that they should be aware of the timing of where they are and all. I know his friends for so long, I had raised no issues. When shes been calling at night, i had no issue. But calling him in the wee hours in the morning, where he has to go to work, now that is something.

TA has no FB. He got to know it when his friend asked him to send her apologies. She did not mention much, but when he queried, I told him. He was not happy, so he told me to take all his friends from his listing because he does not want them to be affected with the rubbish I put up in FB. Seriously? So  I did.

Who said marriage was about being one?
Its not and anyone who said that was blind or was fooled.
Its always about being individual, saving one's own butt, physically, emotionally and financially.
You are in marriage maybe because there was love and that feeling that you have no idea how you will be without the other half. That's pure oxytocine and testosterone and whole lots of hormones in the play. Because if we were ever to think when in love, there would be no marriage. No sane woman would want to be married. The hormones were all part of the plan to disguise the storm of marriage.

Couples have to work very hard to know how to make love last. They also have to know what makes the other half happy, sad or irritated. Not only that, they also have to be their best friend, not their enemy. No threats, no angry words, etc. This applies to both husband and wife.Arguments are there in any relationships, tempers will rise, egos will blow up, words will fly, the pressure will rise as well. But whatever it is, two sides have to understand that there was a reason why they were together in the first place. Many couples forget that, even I did too. I forgot a whole lot of other things in my life, and that's why I made the mistakes I did. But we have to make a conscious effort to remember the past, the good things about the other half. And when we do that, we will be inclined to forgive and forget the hurt and move on.

I admit I am not perfect. I have sinned, I have made mistakes and I am egoistic. I go hyper angry when it comes to my finances. I do not want to be told what to do with my money. I also do not want to ask for money from my spouse. I have seen my mother fighting with my dad on his pay day every end of the month. Its not good. I hates those damn days. My mum would wait for my dad to come home with his pay hoping that the envelope carrying the cash would not have been opened. My dad would arrive past midnight, drunk, swaying from side to side, not able to walk. He would have to shout and bang on the door to get it opened. By then, my mum would have known that half the money has gone into booze. Mum and Dad will fight for 15 mins( all verbal abuses, kids should never listen to) at the doorstep not letting him. After which she will open the gates and let him in. Dad will pass the opened envelope to mum and walks away.

Mum would count the notes and then will spew a couple of more verbal abuses at my dad. She would negotiate, threaten to call the police and then in the end will beg to get my dad to return back some more notes. My dad would siphon of a few 50 bucks in his pockets before he comes home you see. My dad would resist for maybe 20 mins or so until he gets so tired and irritated, he will spit at my mum and throws the money at her.

What would you do? My mum gets verbally abused for a few 50 dollar notes, because those notes could get me my food, uniform and books for school. I could never ever forget those nights. I am crying as I type this and I cannot help it. My mum would cry that night picking up the notes my dad threw at her, wiping her face from his saliva and go to sleep weeping and sobbing onto her pillow. I never had cried for her that time, but I know how it felt.

When i was older and in Poly, I hardly would have any money. Cos though I lacked money, I never learnt to save. It was not in me to save a huge amount of money. Mum would budget $20 for a week, so that is about $80-100 a month for me.

When I started working, and the starting pay was not that great, mum increased the pocket money to $300 and somehow I would have spent it withing 2 weeks, and will go to work without money for the rest of the week and I would never ever ask from her. She would know when I m broke and would give me more, but I would never accept it from her. Even for the past couple of years of my working life, I never accepted any money from her. I just won't.

So maybe I think I m psychologically affected by my childhood, and money is a big no no to me. I believe as a wife, I am entitled to my husband's money, but I should not be asking for it, it should be given. I don't believe in asking. That's amount to begging. Not that I would not beg, but I would rather stay hungry and die hungry rather than beg and that what I am doing.

I will work, sell my beloved books rather than ask my hubby for money. Because that's me.

Well, I got to go. Hubby is awake and he wants to go out. Lets tag along shall we??

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