Maybe

How far does one need to go before being forgiven? Is the road to redemption a long one? Is there any cheat's code? I have no idea for those questions and believe me, I do want to know those.

What the fuck is love all about? Is finding our soul mate the ultimate goal in one person's life? Did I settle down with my soul mate, or did I just marry because I was worried I would be the last one ever to find anyone?
I seriously have no idea.

I sound pissed don't I? I guess this is what happens when I cook too many dishes in one day and have menses too.

Everything was going well tonight, till MOTH washed the dishes. I was telling him the story I saw on tv about the case in which 7 youngsters all under the age of 19 raped a girl. The tenant happen to come in when I was telling him about rape, and MOTH did not want to discuss this in front of him. He said he was not happy and not comfortable speaking about rape or sex in front of a stranger and expected me to understand. He actually shut me up and yes I felt like shit. We are all adults and I have been shut up. Again treated like fucking shit.

Why the fuck do I feel like this? Hes been doing this last night and tonight as well. He told me to leave if I was not happy with him. That's exactly what Enon told us. The smallest issue will come up at the moment we least expect it to turn up. MOTH has not changed and its absolute stupid of me to think that he actually changed. Enon was right, we are not right together.

Of all the people I ever knew, I did not expect my life to turn upside down, but it did. Road to recovery is not easy, and it takes a lot to change and accept the way of life. Sometimes we are okay, but not all the time. Both of us are trying to keep up with the pretense that our family is stable and we are trying our level best to put up with the difference we have all because of the kid we have. We have no intention of changing our kid's life all because we cannot put up with each other. MOTH is just a husband in name, hes in fact a room mate and a friend who shares everything with me. We are being civil. Oh don't worry, divorce is not in the scene since we are working on a lot of levels to find out the cause of the drift and fix it. Oh what the hell did I get into I don't know.

I have not thought of a life being divorced and I have no intentions of being one. I am just not interested.
My focus now is all about cooking a variety of food for my in laws and ensure that they are comfortable in all levels and gain respect from his family. I can only focus one thing at a time, so to think if my family is stable, or if my relationship with the man is warm or cold, I cannot think that far. A lot of things can happen. This year's been a very terrible one for me personally since its been a summation of all the irritations that been pent up inside of me and and the issue that came out from it. Me and my expectations. I still have no idea how to have zero expectations. I still have teeny weeny hope inside of me that the man I married would surprise me here and there. After all you did, you still have the gall to expect surprises from me was his reply. Another tight slap and I totally deserve it. Does he ever learn his lessons, nope he won't.

I am not happy. Maybe at this phase in my life I am not. Maybe in time to come, I will be happy again. Maybe I will not be afraid to talk my mind, or pretend to be someone I am not. Maybe I might lose some weight. Maybe I will be the someone MOTH wants me to become. Maybe.




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