Self pity bitch

Jazy gave birth yesterday. Baby Girl. The first long awaited girl in my hubby's family. I should have been happy for her. Instead, my heart fell all the way down to my tummy. When MOTH told me this, I sensed he was swallowing some hurt as well. I thought I'd be ok. But then, within minutes, I got up from my bed ( he told me when I was getting on to bed to sleep), put my contacts back on, went to my study room. I put on my running shoes, and went on a long walk/jog on my threadmill. I was there for 20 mins, and in the complete 20 mins, all I could do was cry.

I should have been happy for her.But all I could do was cry and sob. I just hated everything around me for 3 hours. I just hated everything. I hated God who sent me all those craps into my life, made my life miserable for the past 3 months and now, when this happened, I have no one to cry to. I have no one to console me or tell me that I should not be crying and advise me. I just have no one.

MOTH would have held on to me. But all he did was pretend he didn't hear my muffled sobs.

I so badly wanted to have a baby girl and i wanted to be the first one in the family to produce it. Not the favourite DIL of the family!!! Now they will consider her goddess and the child angel of some sort!!!

Actually, it took me 3 hours to come to my senses. No matter what I did, even if I had a new baby girl, twins, triplets or even had a baby with wings and all -  it does not matter to them. So why worry? I should be grateful for the fact that I have no in laws with me at my home.

Though I didn't want another kid, I just never gave up the hope that one day, I will be pregnant again and I will have a baby girl. Its a dream and a hope that MOTH and I share. But now -  with all these mess -  its kinda gone with the wind.

Anyway, I feel so sad as if though something in me died. There must be a reason why shit happens to me. There must be.

I need to wallow in self pity again. Ciao

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