Its official. I am depressed.

I have lost count of the days here. Not only have i lost count,i have lost pretty much of everything.


Lets take stock here: What else have i lost? Lost my sleep,peace, sanity for a while, the small thrill of ecstasy i was getting for a few minutes every day for the past 3.5 months,my hair, my health and thats all I can think of at the moment.

Depression. Thats what I have been having since the 14th of April. Well atleast i have something to call what I have been going through.My routines have changed. in fact i do pretty much nothing. All i do is laze around the house, sitting in my battered couch most of the time, lost in deep thoughts or reading up self help books. Its been two weeks since i cooked something worth eating or called as healthy. All the veges are rotting in my big refrigeator as i type this out. I lost the mood to do anything. I don't dress up and i cannot find the reason to wear makeup and look good. I have pretty much left Raihaan up to his own devise. Of course i m looking after him and all, but i just lost it. Hes in his world, and i do not have the strength to move my ass and venture into his.

I m not crying, weeping or anything like that. I feel dry. Its as if life has been sucked out of me. I can see the sunlight and the blue sky and feel the life around me, but i cannot feel mine. Its as if i lost everything. Everything. I am tired. Tired of being depressed, tired of being in this limbo, tired of being tired. I don't know if anyone understands, but i am tired. Its as if I am used to this, or expected this to happen. And maybe thats the reason why i m not in tears or anything. I am just tired.

I have gained a total of 5kgs in just 14 days. My hair has frizzed up and falls off easily now. I feel aches and pains all over my body inside and out. I feel my head throbbing with a rhythm i cannot understand. I sleep alot more that i usually do,wake up late and no longer active. Since i m not cooking much, not much to clean up the mess in the sink. And i cannot keep up with the maintaining of a happy life. I do not want to leave the house, i do not want to meet people. They can see me, big fat and ugly and all, where will i hide? I can't even smile!! Can you imagine that? I cannot smile. My life has dried up and shrunk. I feel so very dry. Not suicidal or anything. Just dry, shrivelled up like dead tree.

Maybe if i sleep longer, i will merge into the couch and everything will be okay again. I don't know. Logic and past experiences as well as knowledge tells me that this will be over and that my life will be back to normal. Even deep down in my heart, I pretty much know that this will pass. But this phase is telling me about an impending change. I am not someone whos used to change, but it takes some time for me to get used to it no matter what. I think this is the transition period. Change. Thats what i need. To move beyond this. It seems that i have to keep moving on and on. I have been doing that for 9 years and i guess i will be doing more soon.

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