I am not perfect

Seminar went well. It was awesome and fantastic. Another 2 more days to go and it will be over.

Learnt allot of stuffs today.

There were some kids there as well, which I then realised later that they may be kids from Sing Poly and they might have gotten free tickets to the seminar.Most of the kids were sitting at some rows further down the back of the hall, but there was a particular couple who irritated the hell out of me. Singaporean Indian boyfriend and Malay girlfriend. He just could not take his hands off her!!! Hes always kissing her, or blowing air into her ears or something like that. Seriously I wouldn't bother if they were couple of rows away from me, but they were just too close to my comfort.... Gosh. Young adults. Should get them married first!

What is love anyway? Is it all about touching and petting? Is it the foreplay or heavy petting? Is it the emotional or the physical? Ya ya I have kissed in public more than once too - but hell I didn't know I was pissing someone???!!!! Goodness.

Ever since I hit 13 years old, I have always been curious about love. Always had been. It didn't help that i was reading trashy novels by then. You see, I love books. Everyone knows that. But I read books according to the phases. For example, I read 'War and Peace' when I was only 13. Even my English teacher was surprised because it was a heavy literature. I read it because my uncle bought that for me when I was 13. And then when I was 14 plus years old, around the time I was in Sec 2, I became a librarian. There, I had access to lots of books. That was where I read 'Gone with the Wind' - that's the epic novel from Margaret Mitchell, which was then made into a movie that eventually won lots of Oscars. I loved the book and the movie. I am not sure how many 14 year olds read heavy English Civil War epics, but I did.

At the same time, I discovered Danielle Steele. It also did not help that she wrote way too many books. After reading maybe 10 of her books, I got sick of her. I have not touched a Danielle Steele book in 20 years now. Then came Jude Devereux, and Judith McNaught - they were my favourite romance novelist. All these damn books brought me into a world where romance was everything and guys save the damsels in distress. All of them end in a very expected happily ever after always. Then when I was 16, got tired of romantic novels but never did give up on the idea of romance. I then dabbled into paranormal activities...actually astrology and tarots. Somehow, I clicked with it. Studied and experimented on it for a while. It did not help that my poly mates played such games as well - we all called on to ghosts and asked them questions!! Then one day, I had to stop it, because, my mum caught me trying to hypnotise my sister. I think I was 17 or 18. Could have turned her into something, but mum spoiled it. So I was warned to give up all these nonsense.

Then I was intrigued by murder and mystery. That was when Sidney Sheldon came into my life. He brought me to places and scenarios that I have never been to. Mary Higgins Clark and her daughter Carol Higgins Clark, also brought mystery. I think my young adulthood was all about mystery and murder. Ever since Sidney Sheldon passed away - I mourned my loss for a while and now into psycho thrillers. I am very much into David Hewson and Sophie Hannah and now Jodi Picoult. Though Jodi Picoult is more into controversial heart rending stories, I do not dare venture into that area yet. So as I was saying - girls should not read romance when they are young. Too many ideas - too many expectations. Look at how I turned out. I expected romance and excitement in court hood and marriage. Nada. All the men I have been around with were such fucking losers. Everyone. Only 3 mini relationships ( lasted a month) and one serious one - all losers. I will not count MOTH as a loser. He was just not into surprises and romance. Cannot blame him.

Thank God I have no girls. If I have one, I will not let her anywhere near Cinderella or Snow White shit. She will have to watch Phineas and Ferb with me forever. I don't mind her playing race cars in iPad, but no fairy tales, no Prince , no happily ever after. I will raise her as a tomboy and ensure that she looks at the world in a logical and non romantic way. She can have hand phone before she turns 10, ( I will obviously will tap the phone) and she can have her own room ( I will obviously put secret cameras all over the room) and she can have a boyfriend when she turns 18 after she enters Poly ( I will of course place a microphone in her bag). She can be married off if shes decided that she found her soul mate even before she reaches 25 ( I will not be paying for her wedding nor will I give her any dowry). She can marry anyone she wants to. Chinese, Malay, African, Indian - anyone...as long as she marries after shes secures a house of her own. I will give her a maid as part of the dowry and pay for the levy myself!). Like I said - thank god, no daughter.

Well for Raihaan - well ya , he can have his own phone when he turns 10, he will not have any games console, he will not be playing any fucking bajas, he will play cricket and soccer, he will play musical instrument, he can have girlfriend when he turns 18 years old, not before, his phones will be tapped, his bags checked for cigarettes and trashy magazines, his room will be bugged with cameras, and he can also marry anyone once he's secured and he's got a house of his own. If he marries an Indian woman from India, ( his Father will pay for the marriage, no contribution from my part, and no maid as well.)

Oh but then if he becomes rebellious and wants to hang out with poly mates in pubs and hangouts and comes back home late after midnight when hes in Poly, I will do what my ex boyfriend's mother did. Bring him over to India and get him married to any one of his hundreds of cousin there and make his life miserable. Well - too early to say, but with Thameem around, I don't think I have to go to that extend. Or I will just send him over to one of those convents in India and bring him back in time for his NS. Once he enters NS - I wash my hands. Anyway I talk too much. I know what boys and girls are capable of. I have seen Primary school kids having relationships...I cannot imagine 10 year old Raihaan with a girlfriend. I think I will have heart attack, maybe stroke or something. I hope I don't have to hand over condoms to him when hes still 10!! Cannot imagine. Seriously. I had my pager when I was 18 leh? I had my first handphone when I was 21 leh!! I had my first kiss when I was 18 leh!!! Is it too much to ask my kids to hold their horses???

Well - jokes aside, Thameem and I have decided on how to go on about raising Raihaan. But then these are values , mostly basic values that we planned to instill in him and we have started to do that. I do not want Raihaan to grow up like me. I was lost all my life, had no one to guide me, did not have a proper dad and none of the guys I dated helped me and that's all because my mum was busy raising us. She did not have the time to instill values, they are to be taught by both set of parents. Mother teaches and Father implements with discipline. My mum was way too busy disciplining me - I just got lost. Not blaming her of course, but we as parents have a duty to fulfill what we believe is right.

Raihaan will be independent, financially as well as emotionally by the time he reaches 21.
He will be taught basic values such as honesty, integrity, patience, loyalty and trust.
He will be taught on being responsible, be disciplined, be generous, be kind, and to be wise and mature and think and plan ahead. ( This is Thameem's area).I hope that one day, Raihaan will have all the values that his father has. I am not sure what he can inherit from me. The only thing I know is to love people unconditionally. I am not sure if that's a good trait or anything, but as much as that has proven to be painful - it hadn't hurt anyone else.

So , I can teach him to love unconditionally, not to be bias and to respect every individual he comes across. I will teach him not to judge people, but listen to them and to be confident and to always always place God before anything. I was never perfect and the only person I know who's close to Superwoman is my mum. But I cannot be like my mom, I can just hope that I can be at least 10% of what she was to me. Hopefully, in time to come I leave legacy, a proper one.

Maybe I should start writing a mission statement for Raihaan now...

Anyway that's all i can think of. Need to wake up at 6am and rush to Expo again tomorrow.

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