Personal Evolution

Ever had the nagging thought in your mind - that you have to be careful with got to mind what you say and write cos you can be held liable and might be sued cos you said something the moment it striked you -  and it offended somebody?

Yeah i always have that.The Asian mentality to be nice to everyone, to be polite to everyone, to be the wall paper material( quiet and don't dazzle), to say nice things about everyone...u know what i mean.

Well i have been thinking. If my blog was not private -  the people out there have the access to my blog, facebook, and multiply. They can see my pics, and know me without me knowing them. I may have mentioned something not nice in my blog eons ago and forgot about it and that particular person somehow read that and felt bad, declare me a traitor and come out with a evict to ban me from  the "You are my friend" society.

Well, we were brought up not to hurt people's feelings( or atleast i was) be nice and to keep our thoughts to ourselves and refine the thought into something thats exactly opposite to what we conceived in our mind in the first place. But we fear. We fear what the society thinks of us. We want to be accepted, we want to be liked if not popular. We want to be part of the hippest bunch of friends....we just want to be there wheter we like it or not. So that we are accepted as part of the society.

I have always been outside in some society anyway.....I was not exactly traditional and conservative neither am i too modern and what not. I was never in any particular clubs,  or hang out with a particular bunch of people. Even if i did -  i never felt comfortable. I always feel the odd one out.

So i fear the rejection. I fear being alone. I fear being ridiculed. I fear being laughed at. Why? Cos it happend to me long time ago? Today i have a loving hubby who forgave my past, a beautiful baby to bring up and a supporting stable family( though dysfunctional at times). I m thankful. I am grateful. But it took a long time to get me here. It took a lot of painful lessons from idiots who were in the Sailing dept in poly, from the worthless shitless guys i dated, tragedic breakups from relationships that were never meant to be and whole lot more to be where i am. Was a very messy road-  but eventually found my way.

I m still scared of what people think of me. I can hide behind the facade of education and career to hide the deep scarred fear i have....but i fear. Everytime i blog i ensure that i dun mention any names and if i do -  i ensure i say nice things about them. But what good did it bring? 

I am a very ordinary person, with ordinary life. I m no body special to anyone except for my family. I am the daughter, sister, friend, best friend, aunt, poly mate, wife, daughter in law, sister in law and now a mother. Hopefully a good mother.

I dun give a hoot what my family think about me, but i worry about the people i see once a year. I can screw any one of my famiky members and close friends, and have been called outspoken. But i think more than twice when a friend tells me something and i feel that i disagree. I usually keep my damn mouth shut. Why lose the only so called friends I have? I can screw my best friend for not keeping in touch with me -  but i smile and curse the so called relative or friend in my hear who did not bother to visit us.

Am i the only who has this problem or are people like me hiding too?

I guess  i need to evolve. If i need to teach courage to my son, i have to be courageous. I don't think i m losing anything by being myself...i got myself a husband being myself....

So its not so bad afterall.....

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