Beautiful Sunday

Its a beautiful Sunday afternoon here. Really lovely. For the first time after so many days i feel at ease and in control. Went to Mum's place as usual for breakfast and lunch. Shes still the same....something always goes wrong with her body or her mind. One way or another....she never changed a bit.

Been at home for the whole of April and yet its only today that i have had the time to really sit and relax. Thanks for the persistance of mum and Rabeena, I got the thottil set up in both my guest room and bedroom yesterday. Raihaan seems to be taking his move from our bed to his 'floating bed' really well. He slept from 8pm to 3am in the morning. I had to wake him up for his feeding. Now Raihaan is sleeping in it...tired from going to his grandma's place. Both father and son are asleep....

Next week will the last week i will be spending an entire day with Raihaan. Going back to work on the 5th of May. We have arranged to send Raihaan to mum's place before we go tot work in the morning. And after work, pick him up and back home. Its a hassle really. As it is we rush to work like ants with no purpose in life. Now we have to take a longer route of going to West Coast, walk the way in to my mum's aportment, leave him there, walk all the way back to the bus stand and rush to work.But both of us would rather take this trouble than becoming weekend parents to Raihaan.

It sounds like a good option to leave him with my parents for the entire weekdays, pick him up on Friday night and spend two days with him and then returning him back to my mum on Sunday. But both of rather not. First of all, there will be unnecessary trouble between me and mum. I don't want to have a tussel against mum for the control of Raihaan. Already as it is, Mum keeps on telling me that she knows Raihaan better than i do cos she personally took care of him for 45 days. My job was to provide the milk. True.

Thats the reason why i was adamant in bringing Raihaan over to be with TA and me. I had to learn someday to be a parent don't I? Mum did not like the idea of me being alone with Raihaan...she had good reasons to think so. I had a small accident at home on the first week when i brought Raihaan home. I slipped and fell hard at the guest room and was rushed to NUH via ambulance. Just hurt my back and hips. But apart frm that small mishap, both of us enjoyed each other's company. There are times when its really overwhelming to have a little creature cry its lungs out for reasons that are not known. ( If milk was already given...then why cry still????) And there are moments that could look like a Johnsons and Johnsons' shampoo ads....really sweet. Sitting down in my comfy white couch, holding him to my chest while he breathes in and out and whimpers....I feel one kind. Really really nice. Rabeena told me that I must treasure these moments before i go to work, cos they will be really missed when these small babies grow up. I guess i do.

Mum and i have joint control over Raihaan. The last say is usually TA. I gace mum the freedom to exert her control over Raihaan's growth cos i have seen her shrivel and nearly dry out when Rabeena left. I want Mum to have a grip of herself and over life. She must find the reason to wake up in the morning. She must feel busy.

Rabeena deprived mum of that cos she knows very well that she and her kid will leave mum and move over to wherever her hubby wants to go when hes back. I have already warned her when she was in London not to play with Mum's emotions. Mum has no control, nor rights over Rabeena's kid...not even as grandparents. Both of us have our differences, but she knows her limits. I feel very happy that mum is back to normal now. She has channeled her energy to raising and looking after her grandkids. Thats where her mind should be...not rotting away thinking about the past.

From next week onwards life will be different. but it will go on.

TA's time is now divided into work, studies, Raihaan, me and his family back home. Hes doing he best he can and i see that. He really wants to spend time with Raihaan and be with me at the same time....but he has class every other weekend. And the weekend that he has no class he has to complete his assignments and study for his papers. He tries to study and complete his assignments when we comes back from home, but there are times when Raihaan becomes grumpy and starts to cry. During those times TA wil come out from his room to be with him and put him to bed. I usually tell him to ignore Raihaan and focus on his work...but when this little kid cries.....TA feels his heartstrings being pulled in his direction.

I am just waiting for his studies to be over. Hopefully by then, he will be able to focus more on Raihaan.I have been toying with the idea of quitting and become a full time housewife. I want to be with Raihaan. But at the same time, i want to be independent. I am enjoying the financial freedom i have. I am not earning much, but earning well enough to put a sizeable amount away in savings for the rainy day. I can go out and shop for the stuffs i want without asking TA.( though in actual fact TA is the one whos getting me all the fancy stuffs!)

Not only that....i have been giving mum a portion of my pay eversince i started to work. That practice is still on today. If i quit, i cannot give mum the money. TA said he will contribute that amount to my mother if i stay at home. But i got to be fair. Hes giving his own set of parents money as well. I cannot get him to do that. They are my responsibility.With the costs rising like no body's business in Singapore, its difficult to maintain a proper lifestyle with the meagre pay I am earning. I have decided to quit Softship. I have to give 2 months notice. On the second month, I will look around for another job. TA is ok with the idea.

Apart from that what else is new? I am still having some issues with me and breastfeeding. I have introduced formula into Raihaan's feeding. I have been putting off this option for a long time. I am giving him a combo. Meaning i combine both the formula and the breastmilk.Last Sunday on the 19th i started off by giving him one bottle of formula ( 90ml). 90ml - breastmilk or formula is not enough for Raihaan who was drinking 120ml at that time. Now we have arranged to have the formula given to him when hes at my mum' place. The breaskmilk will be given in the morning before he goes to mum's and after we pick him up from mum's. Breast milk will be given to him every 2 hours when hes home in the evening till the nexgt day. This is so that my milk supply will not be diminished. He needs to be breastfed till he reaches 6 months old. Formula takes a longer time to digest than breastmilk so he will not get hungry very often.Raihaan is now taking in 140ml of milk. Gradual improvement. But he still looks skinny to my mum. Well as long as hes not fat...i m okay for anything!

There are a bunch of stuffs i have to do before i go back to work. Decorate Raihaan's room, clear up my wardrobe,and clear up my kitchen, bring Raihaan for a walk at West Coast Park, bring Raihaan for a walk at the Teban Reservoir with TA.

And also...been reading my cousin's blogs. Will try to have them linked here....in my free time. She writes great stuffs. Her command of English is damn good. Her entries are usually in the form of dark humour. Shes been through alot, and i guess the output are not negative...but dark. After Jamie's blog ( about her infertility) i enjoy reading Leenu's blog alot. They are usually short and sarcastic.Anyway got to go...will try to see if theres anything more i can write when i can finally find the time to blog.


Hira.

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